James told me he thinks he and Eleanor might've had sex that night. Writing that out took a lot of effort. Like maybe if I don't say it it definitely didn't happen. James. Of all people. He apologized at least ten times. I'm mad at him. Why does he have to be such a—anyway. Eleanor ran—well not ran because they were in a wheelchair but you know what I mean—to the bathroom and locked the door and I knew she was going to hurt herself. She refused to unlock it and I was about to start looking for something to pick the lock but then finally she opened the door. I was right about her hurting herself. I bandaged her arm and then Livi came over and they talked in private. Livi isn't mad at James. Which surprised me. She defended him and said it didn't matter. She gave Eleanor a pill so she wouldn't get pregnant. Later, Eleanor asked me why I didn't leave. She said she felt disgusting and taken advantage of and was afraid he gave her a disease. I told her I'm not leaving no matter what. I'm really not. But I wonder, if it weren't for what happened in December would I have reacted the same? That's easy. No. I wouldn't. If this had happened a few weeks ago I'd be really upset but not now, after how much we've been through. It's kind of crazy. It's almost hard to think of a time where I didn't love her. Last night was so nice. I held them all night. No nightmares. Just. Peaceful. Someday it'll be like that every night, I hope.
This does make me wonder, though. What if Eleanor was pregnant? What would we do? If it were up to me I think we'd keep it of course. Me and her. As unready as I feel to be a parent, we both know what it's like to have parents who don't care enough to stay and I don't want that to happen. Ever. I think I should ask what Eleanor thinks though. It feels important for some reason.
