So we tried to do the thing yesterday. I'm pretty sure we didn't do it right and it was really weird. Eleanor said she liked it but got upset when I said I didn't know if I did, because she thought she must be bad at it. I'm pretty sure she told Livi which means the whole family will probably know, which is really embarrassing. I don't know why people can't mind their own business about those things and now they all probably know that I'm bad at it and that I'm weird or perverted or something. This morning I tried to talk about it with Eleanor and explain I was just nervous because it was new and worried I was doing it wrong and I suggested maybe we should try it again sometime now that we know more like what we're supposed to do but I think she's mad at me and she won't tell me why and that makes me feel so sick. She thinks it's her fault. It's not. It's mine. This is all my fault. I'm the one who brought it up in the first place and then I didn't even like it and I just made them feel bad and insecure. I hope they'll give me another chance. Not that I deserve one because I've screwed up too many times already. I don't know what to do. I...don't think I like being touched there. The more I think about it the worse I feel and I wonder if maybe we shouldn't have done that at all. I really did like the idea of it but now I'm not so sure. Why do I have to be like this.
