I just wanted someone who makes me feel safe from myself
I'm not a princess
Or a damsel in distress
I don't need protecting
I can do that myself
But I don't like being alone
My mind is like a prison and half the time I think I'm going insane
I'd like to have someone I could rely on
I gave up a long time ago on actually loving anyone because I didn't earn it
And I'm not the kind of person good people fall in love with
I thought when I was old enough I would leave New York
Maybe I'd visit occasionally
For Will or for Vie and Ira's wedding
But never for very long
I'd rather stay at home
Where I could forget about my other dad
Forget he existed
Forget about all of that
I'd ask Rowan to be my qpp
It's not the same but at least I wouldn't have to be alone
We could try to have a life together
I would be happy
Or at least content
That was my plan
Before Eleanor
Before everything changed
Not only does she make me feel safe from myself
I love her
I really do
And I realized maybe
Just maybe
I could have the one thing I really wanted after all
If the worst happens I have that back-up plan
That's what I'll do
Just to be sure I don't lose myself if she decides to leave
Even if I lose the thing that makes me happiest
With or without her
I do want to keep trying
I do want to live
I'm stronger now
It's been 3 weeks since the paper towel dispenser incident and it hasn't happened once since then
I'm better now
I refuse to give in to myself
