To Be Worthy of You

Chapter 14: Help Me

there are wounds that mold us to become what we are right now, no matter how small or big the scars left behind, we eventually grow on...mending our broken pieces...finding our healing...

XoXo**

Blake

I would be lying to you if I would say I am not scared. I am really scared right now. It makes this whole drive back home much more difficult. Sobrang laking pasasalamat ko lang na naalala na ni Blaze lahat, pero paano ko sasabihin sa kanya ang mga nagyari pagkatapos ng aksidente? Paano ko ipapaliwanag na wala na sina dad at mama anita? And worse, how could I tell him that he lost his girlfriend? No, that is not just the worst. I would have to tell him that he lost his unborn kid too.

Naranasan mo na ba yong pakiramdam na solo mo lahat ng ibinuhos na sakit sa mundo? One time, big time. Alam mo yung masaya ako, masayang masaya pero bigla na lang ikakalabit sayo na " psst! Bawal muna magsaya."

Andami kong gagawin. Una ang harapin si Blaze, he needs me more than anything now. He is not as tough as I am. He is just 19 years old, so full of life in him. Sobrang madaming pangarap. I remember the day he came to my office just to tell me he has met "the one". He was smiling like an idiot and I had to remind him to slow down. I don't have anything against him being in a serious relationship but I had to really question him. He was grinning as he recounted how that girl makes him dream of the future, how she encourages him to do better and be better at his craft. She was even the one who convinced him to try understanding reasons as to why things happen as they are.

"Kuya, she made me realize that I could not continue to be bitter about how dad and mom turned out. Ngayon ko lang nakikita kung gaano ang hirap ni mama Anita sa atin. Ngayon ko lang nararamdaman na mas mahal ko siya."

Oh god, Blaze...

I remember the night our mama Anita cooked dinner to celebrate something. She called and asked me to come home early which I obliged. She was smiling as she hugged me as I got home. Dad was there with Blaze, talking seriously. Then Blaze saw me and started cracking his knuckles. He only does that if he is nervous. I was curious. Dad, welcomed me with a hug and gestured us to sit.Mama Anita was eyeing us closely at the kitchen bar.

I asked them why they look serious. Dad smiled and signaled Blaze to talk.

He hesitated, swallowed and started rubbing the back of his head.

I was so amused that I started to massage my forehead and told him he looked like a guy who impregnated his girl.

He was shocked. Like literaly his jaw dropped. And I was astounded that it was my turn to drop my jaw when he confirmed it.

Mama Anita was so quick at clutching my arm and telling us that dinner is served. I was petrified.

Nevertheless we talked about it and I have never been so proud of my kid brother for owning up the responsibility and turning to dad for advice instead of running away. He was well beyond his years. He was goodlooking, tall and lean, has a very good reputation as a varsity player and a consistent dean's lister. Girls swoon at him but he ignores them. He has this annoying chivalry trait that I am not so familiar into up until I met her. Her... my mind is drifting back again to the figure of a woman sleeping soundly after crying her heart out and pouring her pain to me. That woman I left a few kilometers back.

How on earth could we even be tragically connected?

Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya na kapatid ko ang boyfriend ng kapatid niya, tatay sana ng magiging pamangkin namin. Paano ko sasabihin na nahirapan kaming maghanap kasi kailangan naming mag initiate ng cover up para protektahan ang kumpanya?

And how will I even tell her that all of this senseless death was not just an accident?

Oh god! I just want to go home. Dad, Mama Anita, guide me. Give me strength to get home. I need to get to Blaze in the right state of mind. I need you both more than anything today. I am terrified to my wits... I honestly don't know what to say, what to do. This is me breaking down into tiny pieces ... Just like before...

Just like when Mom got too angry and locked us both in the closet, Blaze was terrified and was kicking everything shouting .I held him, I used all my might to restrain him. I was not scared of the dark but when he started hyperventilating I panicked and shouted at mom to let us out because Blaze can't breathe. Mom was deaf by then, probably too high.I was terrified when Blaze's hand clutching my arm tightly loosened and his muffled breathing stopped. I felt his head hit my shoulders like a rock.I never thought of anything but to get him out.I broke bones just to do that. I guess Dad, it wouldn't just be bones this time...