admire - jiara love story - obx fanfic

30. break it

30 chapters jeez

kiara pov:

"kiara. do it. do it. do it"

all of the voices overlap in my head. telling me to do it. i look around to check everyone is still in the bedrooms, and they are. i go into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. i pull my shorts down and pull my phone case off my phone, to reveal the blade. i take it out and put it to the top of my thigh. tears run down my cheeks and drop off my chin onto my hoodie.

"come on! hurry up! do it!"

i pull my pants back up and move my bracelets up my wrist. if i did it on my thighs, jj might see.

i put the blade against my skin.

"feel the pain you've caused. think about the pain sarah must have felt when that bullet went into her. think about the pain barry must have felt when he was murdered. it was all your fault kie"

i press the blade into my wrist and drag it along. blood follows it. i pull the blade back and watch the red slightly pour out of it. it wasn't that deep, but deep enough to hurt, and cause blood. i grab some tissue and wipe it. i put the blade back to my skin, above where i just cut. i'm about to press it in again when i'm interrupted by a knock on the door.

i jump slightly, before quickly shoving the blade back in my phone case and pulling my bracelets to cover where i just marked. i wipe my face and open the door to reveal sarah.

"what are you doing?" she whispers. "just, going to the toilet?" i say, walking around her. "the toilet didn't flush, kie" sarah says. shit. i turn to look at her. "it was a false alarm" i shrug my shoulders before going back into the room me and jj have been living in for the past few weeks. he's flat out asleep still. his blonde hair ruffled around in a mess, and just covering his closed eyes. his mouth is hung open slightly and quiet snores leave his mouth after every breathe.

i smile but then it fades after i think about how upset he'd be if he found out what i just did.

flashback

"hey kie?" jj says. "yeah?" i smile. "can you promise me something?" he says. "probably" i say. "promise me you won't do what you did last week again. promise me you'll never go that far again?" he says. i hesitatefor a moment before nodding. can i really promise that, and keep it? "i promise" i say. "thankyou baby" he says. i smile and my cheeks go a little warm. "are you blushing kiara?" he says. i shrugs my shoulders. "maybe, baby" i says. he chuckle and i dotoo. "kie, you know if you're not okay you can tell me. you don't have to put an act on for me, because i can see through it and you know i can. you can tell me anything" he says. i nod. "i know.. i just don't want to overwhelm you with all of my stuff. and i don't want you to look at me or see me differently, like some sort of fragile puppy or something. i may be struggling but i'm still the same kiara carrera. just crying and thinking a lot more" i say. "nothing could ever make me look at your differently" he says.
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i promised him. i promised i'd never go that far again. but i haven't.. i've just cut myself. not tried or thought about killing myself. yet.
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jj pov:

me and sarah walk along the path to the beach. it's a nice day and the sun is beating off of us, illuminating our skin.

"hey, jj?" sarah says. "yeah?" i say. "so, you know kie?" she says. i shake my head. "nah never heard of her" i say, sarcastically. she sighs and rolls her eyes. "have you, noticed anything like.. off, with her?" she says. "you'll have to elaborate a little more" i say. "elaborate? that's a big word for you" she says. "shut up" i say. "i just mean like, i don't know... like when we stopped her from, you know? she's been off. like even more off than before. i get that a lots going on but something feels off" she says. "well, she's obviously gonna be a little off. her boyfriend and best friend had to stop her from killing herself" i say. "i know... but since you got out of prison things have started to feel a little normal again, but she keeps acting off" she says. "what do you mean by off?" i say. "i woke up last night, to go to the toilet. i got up and someone was already in there. i knocked and waited a minute for her to open the door. she looked like she had been crying. but i asked her what she was doing and she said she was just going to the toilet, but it didn't flush, and the tap didn't go off. when i confronted her about it she just said it was a false alarm and went back in your room before i had the chance to say anything else" she says. "hm, that is a little weird" i say. "yeah. i'm worried about her" she says. "well, she thinks that everything that's happened is her fault. like barry's death and rafe's potential death are her fault. i told her they weren't but she isn't convinced" i say. she shakes her head. "it's not her fault". "i know. i just think she needs some time, to come to reality a little maybe?" i say. she nods. "i mean, it's a lot to process, everything that's happened the last few weeks" she says. "yeah" i say.

"why is john b sneaking off with kie again?" sarah says after a few minutes. i shrug my shoulders. "i dunno" i lie. i do know, but i can't tell her that. "i have something to tell you" i say. she furrows her eyebrows. "okay..." "well, it's more of a question" i say. she nods. "go on then".

*i tell her*

"holy shit!" she says. i nod. "oh my god. yes i will" she says. "great" i say.

my conversation about kie that i had with sarah leaves me with a few questions. and worry. i told kie that she can tell me anything. and she promised me at midwinters that she wouldn't go that far again. and after our conversation a few nights ago, about promises, i don't think she'd break it. at least i hope she won't.