Stranger Who Knows All My Secrets [A Marvel FanFic]

Chapter 32: It Wasn't Sexual, It Was Survival

Sex was never a thing Bucky wanted to talk about but somehow it always came up no matter how hard he tried to avoid it. Ever since Coney Island, Steve had been trying to get Bucky to tell him more about his issue, and by issue, he meant the reason Bucky's dick didn't seem to want to function properly anymore.

It was a combination of things; the fact that he was old enough to be all of his dates' great grandfathers, that he had a vibranium arm that instantly identified him as The Winter Soldier, and that he generally just hated the person he saw in the mirror not to mention he was still depressed as hell that his sister had just passed away. Mostly though, it was the intimacy part. Having to apparently hand himself over to someone else, the prospect of not having control and hurting them because of it.

"Is it the age thing?" Steve asked.

"A little." He admitted.

Bucky had a recent string of really bad dates, it was grief dating really. Just Bucky being terribly sad and thinking the best way to deal with his depression was by meeting random women from the internet, two of which ended with him in their beds. He kept his long-sleeved shirt and gloves on though, even when their mouths or hands were around him, because well... He was still a self-conscious dude.

 The action also pretty much stopped there because unsurprisingly he found himself unable to stay hard for more than five minutes at a time and while one of his dates was really sweet about it and recommended he talk to a doctor, the other immediately threw him out of her apartment without so much as a goodbye. It was embarrassing and he was getting more than a little frustrated because his hand just wasn't cutting it anymore... Okay, fine, he wasn't getting off at all and it had been over eighty years since he had!

Jeeze, why the hell did Steve have to make him admit it?

And dear God, he only went on those dates to keep his mind off of Elena, not that he said any of that to his friend.

"You kissed Bonnie and Connie on the same night. What happened to that suave guy who set out to kiss every cute girl in the neighborhood in the summer of thirty-four?" Steve questioned.

"Kissing isn't the problem. I have no problem with kissing, I like that part and the weird frantic grinding that accompanies it but the moment they go for my belt I freeze." Bucky said.

"You should tell Christina." Steve said.

"I did, she told me to practice." And he could tell Steve was trying not to crack a smile or laugh at Raynor's bluntness.

"I mean, I know a website or two." Steve offered.

"I don't think that's what she meant... You know what, remind me to never talk to you about anything ever again." Bucky said.

Annoyingly, he had the same talk with Sam who agreed with Raynor that Bucky needed to beat his dick more often and then proceeded to drop several more slang words and phrases that he didn't understand. Bucky blushed hard when Natasha explained the terms to him in yet another conversation though she recommended he focus on the ladies' pleasure so that at least someone would be satisfied by the encounter. Dr Raynor didn't seem to think any of those conversations were helpful, though she absolutely agreed with Natasha on making sure his dates were satisfied on their end.

"James, the issue is trust. You don't trust yourself around these women because you are hiding who you are from them, the right partner is going to come along but you have to let them in. You are going to have to trust them and let your guard down. There isn't one person who gets you going without trying?" Raynor asked.

Bucky just stared at her trying not to think about the fact that he had gotten several raging hard-ons in the last few weeks whenever he found his thoughts drifting to one particular person. Frustratingly, the person was his goddamn partner, Elena. The horniness always came first, followed by sheer terror, disgust, and then finally guilt. It wasn't like he was purposely trying to conjure lewd thoughts of her.