2 kids

Shattered heart

Ashley.

I wonder what was going through their minds as they wrote those lyrics. They hold more dark power than is acceptable. Those few words opening their second album.

As twisted as their meaning may be, they perfectly describe my current state.

Groaning, I turn to my left side, hoping to vanish under the covers and wishing to be able to stay in my bed all day. Tucked in with a book in my hand and tea in the other, while soft spring rain rolls down my windows. I dread the idea of having to pretend I'm a functioning human being another day.

Not when I feel like a wreck in every way. A total mess.

I pull the thin duvet over my head, curling up like a ball while the words of my friends echo through my room. Seconds pass by when my last alarm startles me. Another groan follows shortly after, before I forcefully drag my own ass out of my bed and into my bathroom.

I don't just feel like a mess, I look like one too. Hair messy, skin pale, eyes puffy, big dark purple bags under my eyes. In some small details I barely recognise myself. I stare into my own eyes for the longest time, trying to spot something in them. Anything – any sparks, any remains of life. But they're hollow. Empty. Lacking whatever used to be visible in them before.

I don't even have to wonder why.

Automatically I reach for my make up kit, applying the same products as every other day in the exact same order. Within a few minutes I'm looking like a human again. My eyes seem just a tiny bit brighter, and my skin has some colour. My hair is styled in a simple way and my jewellery attracts attention.

I feel like a new Ashley, but not in the way I'd want to.

I grab my back, run downstairs to eat a light breakfast and hurry to the subway. All while listening to the newly released album of my rockstar friends. All while listening to his voice when I know I shouldn't.

His voice still soothes me. Even through the pain it makes me smile.

********

The subway is crowded, but I manage to get a seat for myself. And exactly as I sit down and open my book, the song switches.

His voice pierces through my mind stronger than before. So clearly I suddenly look around, expecting him to be seated next to me. Grinning and whispering those words directly in my ear. Feeling his touch on my skin, tracing circles and teasing me.

But that's just another fantasy of mine.

I realise he gave his words to Ace. Allowed him to borrow them, sing them instead of him. He gave him the power to say it all. And I couldn't imagine anyone else singing the words with more emotions and saying exactly what Alex meant.

I never expected him to allow it. The thought never even crossed my mind. He told me, on a cold December night, that he'd never let anyone else hear it. That it'd be our song. Only our song. A little treasure of ours. A reminder of...

Was it just a lie? Was it all just a lie? Was I just another temporary game in his life?

I push those thoughts away, but tears form in my eyes at the memories of all the things we used to do together. Of all the things I miss so much.

I still remember the night. It's a memory I can't get out of my head. I've tried many times to forget so many moments, but they won't leave. My heart doesn't want to let go of them, doesn't want to erase them. Though I know I should finally move on.

Alex was sitting on the rooftop again, as almost every night. He'd spent a lot of time in the studio, writing and composing. And at night time, when we'd finally be alone, he'd hide on his little rooftop, staring at the city below. Silently, I'd sit beside him and wordlessly he'd just hold me.