2 kids

Before.

Ashley.

The first tear rolled down my cheeks at the first mention of his dead brother. Just the first unfinished sentence broke something inside of me.

And then it continued.

And the tears rolled down and down, and my heart ached more and more.

I knew there were things he wasn't telling me. He made that clear straight away, before anything had even happened. It didn't take a genius to understand their friendships run a little deeper, or that the secrets they share are... I never tried to bribe anyone to tell me. The demons and pain they bore, I looked past it. Even if, at times, it made my heart ache.

And while I wished Alex would share his story with me like I had shared mine with him, I was willing to wait however long he'd needed to open up. Never in a million years would it have occurred to me that his story would be this heavy, dark and agonising.

I want to wrap myself around him to take the pain away from him. I want to tell him that what happened that night six years ago wasn't his fault, and I want him to believe me. But I know any convincing would be pointless. He's too stubborn to even consider another truth.

He continues speaking, voice trembling with every word says. He doesn't notice his hands start to shake, or how he slowly pulls his legs closer and closer to his chest. His eyes have lost all emotions, all light. They've become two empty, broken ocean blue shells.

"I lost my brother and my best friend that night. But Channel..." I stare at him, knowing his next words will strike me somewhere new. Equally painful as the ones before. For a second his eyes become almost glassy. Like he's fighting a memory from that night that still haunts him. If the aftermath of that night still haunts him to this day, I can't imagine the pain he felt. "Channel lost her lover, her fucking soulmate. I don't believe in that shit, but god, they were a match made for each other in heaven. She.. she lost her best friend, her fiancé, and... the father of her child."

His empty, lifeless blue eyes meet mine. And I know he can see the whirlpool of emotions in them. My mind can't process his last words in time, they.... Channel was pregnant?

Instantly I'm ashamed of ever feeling jealous of their relationship. Of ever feeling even the slightest bit of jealousy of Alex's relationship with anyone. For questioning the motives behind their friendships. The bonds they share are built on shared pain. And I was a selfish fool for feeling jealous.

He wipes away the tear that rolls down my cheek, nodding slowly. "They were only eighteen and a pregnancy definitely wasn't something they had planned anytime soon. And though Channel was willing to undergo the trouble of an abortion, my brother refused. For his age he was mature and had already made plans for the future. If anyone really could take care of a child at that age, it was them. But... Channel's pregnancy wasn't easy. It was risky from the beginning and his death... it broke her to the smallest pieces. It shattered her completely, and a week after, just two days after the funeral –" The silence that follows prepares for nothing, but raises my worry. I feel like my own heart might explode. The pain Alex must feel... I squeeze his hand lightly. "She had a miscarriage that... the last pieces she held intact just for the sake of the unborn baby vanished. She was a mess for so long. All of us were, but her ... the pain she went through. The blame that still eats her alive. She's... If I were her I would've taken my own life."

He runs a hand through his hair, all life being drained from his face. He turns dangerously pale, almost grey.

"I couldn't stand the presence of myself. I hated myself for how that night ended. I... I spent days away from home, crashing at Cal's. Some nights at Nico's or Ace's, but his presence haunted me even there. Wherever I looked, he was. He left his fucking imprint everywhere he went. Only Parker's place was somewhat neutral, but I still felt him there too. I stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped caring. I stopped living. I became a walking corpse and no matter what everyone around me did, I refused any call for help. I... everything I knew and cared about died that night with him."