2 kids

Heartbroken caterpillar.

Alex.

I take in the details as I follow my bandmates off the stage.

The darkness lit up by flashlights. The screams slowly dying out. The chords of our last song of tonight still resonate in my mind. The last show in Japan, the last show of our whole Asia tour.

A strange feeling settles in my stomach as we disappear off the stage completely. A part of me is excited to return home, yet the other is devastated about having to return. Return to the stereotypical life and no longer perform every night. Being ripped off the adrenaline rushing through my veins before every performance. Being ripped off the louds screams almost bursting my ears, of the sometimes tiring fan meets. Off the feeling settling in one's body when they stand on the big stage, looking at the dark crowd below.

I have gotten used to the new way of living. The one with constant travelling and chaos following everywhere. I've forgotten how it feels to wake up in my own bed and schedule the day how I want. Hell, I've even forgotten how it feels like to have a day or two off with a completely empty schedule. Schedules have become a big part of my life. Something I'd never guessed.

It's time to let go of this chaos for a while. We'll be back soon, hopefully now including Europe too. Travelling Asia was amazing, yet I had to remind myself we're here for work. We had little time to wander alone as we wished.

"I'm too tired to even keep my eyes open," Mae announces, leaning into Parker's chest, once we're alone in our dressing room.

They, unlike Ashley and I, managed to keep their relationship functioning. Despite the occasional absence of Parker. And I've finally accepted them as a couple, somehow moved Parker to a different friend section. In a way it's a more dangerous zone, in another I still see him as my friend before Mae's boyfriend.

To demonstrate and prove the truth of her words, she closes her eyes as Parker wraps a protective arm around her.

There are times when looking at them makes me feel uneasy. Times when I wish I was Parker and Mae was Ashley. That I was the one holding Ashley. And so I relive the memories, storing them in my heart and memory like the most precious jewel.

And as those memories become more and more suffocating over time, it becomes harder for me to fake a smile. To pretend each day isn't a painful reminder of how I allowed my ego to get the best of me. I made a stupid mistake because I was scared. Scared of what we had and were creating. Scared of what we could have, and could be. But deep down in my heart, it was exactly what I wanted the whole time.

So I've gathered my last functioning brain cells and concentrated on the Alex who plays games, to come up with one last plan, one last game. To get back the girl I love, and this time never let her go.

"It feels strange," River admits. "But we need a break."

I glance sideways at Ace, who doesn't seem to agree. Breaks for us have never really worked out, which is why we've always preferred to find ways to keep ourselves busy. Breaks are a dangerous thing – they let all the thoughts buried deep within swim to the surface.

"Personally I'd stay another week," Ace says, swinging his drumsticks in the air. River flashes him a questioning look. "Look, I want to go home, but-"

Words fail him, so I finish the sentence for him. "But what's there for us now?"

We're all wondering what we can go back to. Things won't be the same as they were when we left, and that scares us.

"A new start." Mae looks us all in the eyes, honesty floating behind those deep bottle green eyes with hints of emerald in them. "It's time for us to move on. We can't-" a little shake of her head, the curls bouncing up and down. "We can't keep on running back to Cal's every time something doesn't work out."