2 kids

A nice city.

Ashley.

I stare at the reflection in the mirror. Wondering if I've changed a lot over the years. Sure, I've grown up and my body has changed to a woman's body. But I wonder how much my personality has changed. How much I've changed in his eyes.

In less than an hour I will be sitting over for Noah, enjoying a friendly dinner. He called me a few days ago, saying he's back in New York for a week and inviting me to the promised dinner.

I'm starting to doubt if it was a good idea after all.

He's just an old friend, nothing more. Just an old friend stopping by, I remind myself again. I've grown out of my old crushing phase. Yet a part of me still worries some of those memories of those emotions are in me. My head's already full of Alex, confused and tired, I don't need another man to vandalise it.

Exhaling deeply, I swallow hard before disappearing in my closet. I've always struggled with finding the right outfit, something I've never seen Mae do. But now I'm struggling more than ever. A friendly dinner, not a date. How does one dress for a friendly dinner without raising the suspicion of it being a date?

I settle for some black jeans and a silk casual shirt, with a black jacket. Monochromatic, and dark. The makeup takes me ten minutes and isn't heavy or dark. It's light and simple, so nothing stands out. Grabbing my purse, I shoot myself one last look.

What am I even doing?

********

We agreed on an Italian restaurant. Not a very fancy one, I told him. I've spent way too many years eating at fancy restaurants with rich assholes. They're starting to lose their value. I just want to enjoy a delicious dinner and catch up with an old friend.

Still my heart skips a beat or two as I near the entrance.

I have no expectations for this dinner, or night, but it feels like my heart does. Or brain. Or some part of me does.

I'm late, as almost always. And he was the one assuring me he'd be late because of work and apologising for it.

I open the door to the restaurant and scan the room full of people for him. Such moments give me unexplainable anxiety. It attacks me so suddenly, freezing my whole body.

When I hurriedly suggested we'd meet here instead of him picking me up or meeting somewhere else, I forgot to think about my anxiety. I worried too much about feeling like on a date I forgot to think about how I feel when I arrive somewhere alone.

Shaking the feeling off I look around. It doesn't take me long to find him.

It's the little shy wave that catches my eyes. Seated in the corner, by a little window. With a smile on my face I cross the way to him, almost dancing between the tables and chairs occupied by people. No one pays me much attention, and the anxiety slowly starts to fall off my shoulders.

"Sorry I'm late," I say before even taking a seat. The table is round, and bigger than I had expected, decorated with fresh flowers in a lovely handmade vase. Noah chose this restaurant, praising their cooking so much.

"It's alright, don't worry." He gives me a smile. "I'm starving. Should we order?"

I nod, my stomach rumbling, making Noah laugh. My appetite is low due to the stress and anxiety, but apparently my body needs food urgently.

I scan the menu card with my eyes, picking out three different meals before I've even turned to the next page. The waiter comes over and I still haven't chosen. When Noah said they had everything, I didn't believe him. I thought he overacted, but their variety is really wide.