2 kids

The mistake and the chance.

Ashley.

My mind is fogged. I feel like an intruder in my own mind.

I can still hear Noah's ringtone even as he has excused himself and walked to the kitchen. My heart's beating out of my chest. I'm panicking, thinking of the worst and best ways to leave now.

It was a mistake to kiss him. Regardless of how much an old version of me desired it, or how good it felt. Because what I'm feeling now is excruciating.

Whoever or whatever really holds the upper hand in my life just saved me from making a great mistake. Two people were saved from making a decision they'd regret later.

I wish I could predict what would have happened, where this would have ended. Speaking for myself I would have probably chickened out soon, but Noah seemed too caught up in the moment. So sure what we were doing was right. I felt like in a trance – floating somewhere between a rational decision and a reckless desire.

I'm still confused and scared, and utterly shocked, but I know one thing clear – I can't stay in his apartment any longer. I quickly grab my phone, purse and tiptoe to the entrance. Without even bothering to come up with some lace excuse, I quietly leave and just as quietly close the door behind me. If one cannot for sure predict his own behaviour, it's better to leave.

The drastic change in the atmosphere freaked me out. It went from friendly, to mockingly – flirty, to something I've never experienced before. With Alex I've been through a rollercoaster of drastic atmosphere changes, leaving me breathless and desiring more. They were all something new to me, something I hadn't experienced before. But they never left me feeling like this – stripped naked and vulnerable in an unfamiliar way.

All I remember is that at a certain moment the unopened bottle of wine began to look too tempting. It crossed my mind that perhaps this was my opportunity to distract myself from constantly thinking about Alex. Did I want to use Noah for that? Maybe subconsciously I did.

Instead of reaching for the bottle, I took the opportunity to run away. Leaving without saying a single word wasn't nice of me, but at that moment I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Forming a formal lame excuse no one actually cared about didn't seem possible. All I could do was run away.

Running down his stairs, refusing to use the elevator although it would be a much more logical decision, I'm wondering why the hell Noah brought the wine bottle out in the first place. I can only worry about our friendship now, if there's even one left.

Once I reach the bottom floor, I'm breathless. Literally gasping for air I sit down on the stairs and put my face in my hands. I wish for Noah to stay in his room, for the phone call to be so urgent and long he simply can't end it. I don't want him to come looking for me.

"What just happened?" I whisper to myself. "What have I done?"

I feel guilty for wanting to use him as a distraction.

Growing up Noah was a brotherly figure in my life. When I was ten I had a crush on him. But I never thought more of it. It was just a crush of a ten year old girl, nothing more. Was it really, though?

I don't know for long I just sit here, wondering what this meant for our relationship. We only kissed, but his hands were starting to roam my waist a little too eagerly. The kiss was beginning to feel too needy. I'm not innocent either, I allowed it to happen. Even wrapped my arms around his neck.

I'm too scared to imagine what could have followed.

Never before have I experienced a situation where one second really could have changed everything. If that phone had rang one second later, or sooner, everything would've been different. Would he have picked up the phone if it had rang one second later?