Your fabricated lie

6 - Journaling

Aditya's journal entries:

February, 06 - 2011:

Hey Dori, how does it feel not to be able to love her when she loves me to the fullest? I haven't felt this special in a while. Someone loves me. She loves me!

But the thing is, I have never seen her in that dimension. She is just a good friend of mine. Out of nowhere she confessed her love today. I am absolutely shocked by that and you know what's funny? Though I was taken aback, it took exactly 0.5 seconds for me to say NO. I am ending this entry here because I am sure things are not going to be the same way they were. I think it is better for me to stay away from her.

I really wish she gets over me!
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February, 24 - 2011:

Dori, I have this big, invisible mountain on my shoulder. I hope you will listen to me without judging me.

All along my plan was to stay away from Anu but for the next couple of weeks it seemed like she was doing it. She neither attended classes nor answered my calls. I thought she needed time but it turns out that she left.

SHE LEFT!

I wouldn't have felt guilty had she promised me that she would continue to take violin classes. Through our mutual friends I got to know that she dropped out. They said she isn't going to continue her violin classes. She let her passion go because of my presence? She must be stupid.

Stupid for developing feelings even when the boundaries were clear.
Stupid for pushing her passion away.
Stupid for… loving an idiot like me

Anu left her violin! She left her passion and for some reason I feel like it is because of me. After all, music is what brought us together. I still can't believe and digest this stupid act of hers.

With the thought of getting rid of this guilt, I went to meet her parents, which is another dumbest thing I could do. Her parents didn't appreciate my presence and that is when I understood that she told her parents about her love. People these days don't share their love affairs with their parents and looking at this girl just ranting it all out to her parents just multiplied the respect I have towards her.

Her father said only two things and I am already sure it's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. One - that it was not my mistake for not loving her but hers for loving me. And the second - letting her passion go and leaving her hometown was the cost of loving me, let her pay the price for that.

To my dearest friend, Anu.
Someday, when the world discovers a time machine, I promise I will go back to the moment when we met and make sure you won't fall in love with me.
… Or else, I will turn back to the moment where you confessed your love so that I can accept it this time. I am not sure if I am a regret for you but you sure are a regret for me. I shouldn't have let your palm slip out of mine.
Please come back!

Blame is on me! I am not going to make excuses. Let me just accept it. Out of love, she did gain nothing but lost a lot. I will never be able to make up for this but let me also make a sacrifice so that I could satisfy this guilt that is echoing in me.

I am gonna sacrifice my habit of journaling. This will be my last entry. She will be the last topic in my journal and… this will be the last memory that I will capture. No more keeping a track of life. I am ending my entry here hoping that I will not be in a situation to open this again.

... Not to mention, but we looked great on stage. My vocals, her strings. My mic, her violin… What a sad way to end it here this way.