Meori Apeuda

Chapter 31

"Do you really think it's hopeless...?"

His quiet voice made me jump, as I hadn't expected him to wait outside the toilets. Chan leaned against the wall opposite the door, his arms behind his back, staring at his shoes.

About two hours had passed since our duet. We had stayed close to each other, always touching somehow, but not speaking a single word with each other.

Sighing I copied his posture and leaned next to him against the wall. "Well...I'd rather not think that way, honestly, but...what chance do we really have? When your hiatus is over you're gonna return to Seoul. Back to your world, back to the stage. Where you're not allowed to have relationships, where every single move of yours is monitored by millions...There is no place for me there, I'm afraid..."

My voice grew smaller with each word. I had thought about this so often, but speaking it out aloud made it so damn real.

Chan cleared his throat, but his voice still sounded a little thick when he spoke. "I don't want to decide between you and my music..." I interrupted him immediately. "And you don't have to. I told you before: I don't want to be the reason you guys lose what you worked for so hard. I'm not worth it, Chan. Maybe...maybe we should just...keep this" - I pointed at us two -"as a beautiful memory in our hearts and...and..."

He let his head fall back against the wall and exhaled sharply with his eyes closed. "Stop." he whispered.

That single word contained so much sadness, sounded so desperate that I could almost feel the first crack in my heart. Looking stubbornly at the floor I swallowed hard, trying to - once again- get rid of my tears.

"I shouldn't have let it come this far, I'm so sorry..." I whispered. "I knew from the moment you told me about Stray Kids that we had no chance. But I ignored it, pushed it away from me as if it would change anything."

He snorted, turning his head to me. "So that's it? You want to end it, just like this? Without even trying to fight for it? For us?" His voice was full of hurt and disappointment. A tear dropped from my nose. Chan suddenly pushed himself away from the wall and grabbed my shoulders quite hard.

"I don't want to give you up without a fight, K. This - us- is too important to just let it go..."

Adrenaline shot through my veins as I didn't expect him to react in this way. The way he stood before me, touched me, caged me in an almost threatening way triggered a flashback.

Hecticly I snapped my rubber band, trying desperately to calm myself down. My breath became a little ragged and I felt my palms getting sweaty. I wanted to tell him to let me go, but I couldn't say a single word.

And as sensitive as he usually was to the feelings of others, he probably couldn't see what he was causing right now because of his own pain. I feebly tried to push his hand off my shoulder, but he didn't budge.

My vision became blurry because of my increasing hyperventilation and I feared I would pass out soon.

"Hyung! HYUNG!" I felt Chan being pushed away from me and suddenly Han and Seungmin were there, steering me a little bit away from their leader, who was pushed back forcefully by Lee Know.

My whole body was trembling and I feared losing my battle against the upcoming flashback soon. Chan's pained face suddenly turned into one of fear and regret, when he finally noticed the state I was in. He reached for me, but as my mind was now in complete defence mode I winced violently when I saw him move into my direction.

He immediately stopped in his tracks, his hand still outstretched towards me. Self-reproach and sadness appeared on his face and he let his arm sink down slowly. My gasps for air sounded painful meanwhile and Han didn't wait any longer. With the help from Seungmin they quickly dragged me outside the bar and towards the beach.