Meori Apeuda

Chapter 44

It was awfully silent in contrast to our otherwise turbulent home. The members now knew that Brent really was on Jeju Island, and was already in this village. Chan and Lee Know had told them, while I had taken a shower.

Or to better phrase it: While I had sat in the shower, flipping out. When Chan had come in to see what took me so long, he had found me at the bottom of the shower, water raining down on me. My arms wrapped around my knees, I just sat there sobbing.

Without hesitation he took off his clothes, stepped into the shower and pulled me into his arms. It seemed to have taken ages for me to calm down, while I cried at his shoulder. Eventually after my tears had finally subsided I just sat there in his arms, my head leaning against him, staring into space.

I was so sick of this. Why? Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? What was it about me that caused him to hunt me?

At one point Chan had pulled me to my feet and out of the shower. He took a towel and dried us both off, steering me in the direction of the bedroom. He stuck me into bed, climbing in behind me and pulled me into his arms.

I had followed his directions like a robot, without speaking, without objecting. I felt so damn tired. Minutes later I had fallen asleep in his arms. Only to be woken up by a nightmare half an hour later. I couldn’t really remember what it was about, I only remember waking up screaming and crying, hitting everything in reach. Which was Chan at that point.

Again he had just caught my wrist and calmed me down, until my head cleared up again. And here we were now, still lying in his bed, him still holding me in his arms, kissing my forehead from time to time.

“What’s going on in your head, Darling, hm? Please tell me…” Chan suddenly whispered. I blinked in confusion, how could he know that my thoughts were just heading for a very dark space? Then I became aware that my fingers were digging into his arm and I quickly let go.

“You don’t want to know.” -”Yes, I d-” - “No. Chan. Believe me. You don’t want to know…” I whispered, hiding my head against his neck, breathing in his scent, trying to remind me what I would lose if I’d lose myself to those thoughts lurking at the edge of my consciousness. 

For a minute it was silent in the room. Then he cleared his throat and began to talk in a very quiet and subdued voice: “You know how I’ve told you, that I was a trainee for seven years? That’s not the way it normally goes. Normally that time is much shorter. Being young I made many friends but lost them again, either because they debuted or they had to leave the company. 

At one point, everyone I knew, everyone in my dorm besides me, debuted or left and I was completely alone. I remember lying awake at night, wondering what I had done wrong, that I again wasn’t chosen to debut. What was wrong with me that they didn’t consider me.

I felt so damn alone at that time. I swore to myself that I won’t ever make friends again, because they would eventually all leave again, leaving me behind. But of course isolating myself wasn’t what I needed, but I realised that only when it was almost too late. I was very close to quitting. Not “Quit the company” or “Quit the trainee program” but…to quit everything.”

I pressed my eyes shut but couldn’t stop a few tears from escaping. The image of a world without him was just too horrible for me. I snuggled closer to him, hiding my face at the side of his neck.

“I know how it feels, when you think you’ve got no other option left. But that’s not true. You never know what Life holds in store for you, Kaylee. There are chances all around you. Even if you might not see them immediately. Yes, you might fail and fall sometimes, but you yourself said it: That’s life.