'𝐈 𝐖𝐈𝐒𝐇 𝐈 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐁𝐄 𝐀 𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐄, 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔.'
†††
Even if every memory from 1917 comes roaring back to you, being a former Hydra assassin means you can never get a break. Since Beverly is on a mission of redemption, she respo...
My hands held together, a bouquet of flowers intertwined between my fingers. They are red roses, a symbol of love and respect, but also all of their favourites. The mountain trees beside me are whistling with the wind, a few gaps allowing the ever-growing moon to seep through. My tears glisten with the light, falling down my cheeks and mixing with the dirt under my boots. I walk further into the mountains, finally making it to my destination.
I kneel down in the grass, taking a deep breath and preparing myself for a whirlwind of emotion and pain. Sitting alone in the mountains, I rub my hand up and down my tight. Bucky offered to accompany me tonight, but I told him I needed to do this alone. We both have paid our respects to them together, but I wanted to do it by myself. I need them to know that I am sorry as well as both of us.
With my hands on top of the mud, I brush my fingers on the concrete gravestone. Moss, has already built up on the design, covering the engraved words underneath her name. I brush it aside, cleaning the concrete. I read the words as I trace them with my fingertips.
Maria Collins Stark
Wife. Mother. Friend.
'And when the earth shall claim your limbs then shall you truly dance.'
I take out a flower from the bouquet, placing it on top of the grass. Placing my hand on top of the gravestone, I begin to think of what to say to her. But, I'm stuck. I never had the chance to actually meet her. I was taken and already in HYRDA when he met her. But, I read any and all books and stories from the Smithonasium. I even had a journal from Howard given to me, and inside he described how after I 'died', he met Maria when she was being mistreated by one of his bodyguards. He stood up for her and then charmed her with his classic tactics. From what I read, she was the perfect person for him. His other half. I'm so glad he met her.
"Hi, Maria." I sob. "I know I never met you, but I just want to say thank you for helping my brother. I know he was a lot to handle, but from what I heard, you were a fighter. You put up with his shit." I laugh through the tears. "I'm sorry I took him away from you. I'm sorry I took you away from him."
I stand from the ground, shuffling over to the grave beside her's. On her left, is another grave, a little less dirt on the concrete. I made sure they were all clean when I asked T'Challa to have this small cemetery for them, but sometimes the weather is harsh. The wind scatters leaves all over the ground, making dirt smudge on the foot of the grave.
Margaret 'Peggy' Carter
Agent. Friend. Inspiration.
'God is within her, she will not fall.'
"Hi, Peggy." I place a flower in front of her grave. "It feels weird to say that. I feel like I haven't said your name in a while. I want to say thank you. You made me the woman I am now. Even when I didn't have my memories, I still had all the knowledge you gave me. I had all the skills you gave me. But, I took you away from everyone using those skills. I did this to you."
I feel like I've said everything I could to her today, but I still don't move. I can't. My body is frozen on the spot, my fingers brushing against the words engraved in the concrete about her. One word falls from my lips that have been swimming in my head since I crouched down in front of her grave.
"I'm sorry."
I stay rooted to the spot as I think about Steve. He still hasn't reached out to me or asked about me since he left Wakanda. But, sitting in front of Peggy's makeshift grave that I made for her, I can't help but think of him. I can't help but feel guilty. Feel like a monster.
Before I stand from the grave, I take out a badge from my pocket placing it beside the flower. It is my SHIELD badge from the 40s. It has the same writing from that time, but time has worn it off a little. The gold colour has faded slightly, and dirt is dug into the words. I leave it at her grave, her deserving my badge. My past. My future.
I walk across Peggy and Maria's graves, crouching in front of the final one. This one is going to be the hardest one to say goodbye to. This one is family. I place the flower down before I speak, knowing it is going to take me a while to think of what to say. I play with the grass beside the grave before I'm able to speak to him.
Howard Anthony Walter Stark
Genius. Father. Brother.
'Because I have a brother, I'll always have a friend.'
"Hey, H." My lip trembles. "I can't believe I'm finally able to say that. I can finally say your name with a gravestone in front of me. One with my own quote for you that means something to me. Mom and Dad made that one for you back in Brooklyn, but I never got to see it." I bite back the tears. "I'm sorry I did this to you. I never wanted you hurt you. We always protected each other. You more than me, but, we were always there for each other. You were my rock. My only sanity at home. I'm so sorry I did this to you."
Tears fall down my cheeks, mixing with the dirt and grass in front of his gravestone. They are uncontrollably falling, and I don't fight them anymore. There is no point. The least they deserve is my pain. And at the moment, that is all I can give them. I don't have much left in me. I have no more fight left.
"Can you ever forgive me? Is that even possible, or am I asking too much of you?"
Do I even deserve his forgiveness? Anyone's forgiveness? Do I deserve to keep living after all the blood I have shed? All the lives I have taken? All the families I have broken apart? Or, do I deserve to feel every ounce of pain that I am in right now?
"I will keep living for you, H. I promise." I stand from the crouched position. "I'll do it all for you."
Walking away from the graves, I let all the tears fall freely. This is the most I can give them, but also myself. I need to let it all out. For them, but also for my own sanity. I can't keep bottling up my emotions. I've done that for over 70 years now, and I have been in pain ever since. I need to start living with my heart on my sleeve.
