Friendships Desires and Secrets

Juggling Joon Juxtapositions

"Joon, where's your mind?"

"Hmm?"

"Your mind, what are you thinking about because you aren't here babe."

"It's back at the studio. There's a hook I'm stuck on, and I just can't get it off my mind."

"And what have I told you? When you're here with me, you're with me. Undivided attention. Even if it's just for 5 minutes. I want all of you with nothing between us here. Just you and me and nothing distracting us."

He sighed heavily and laid his head on her chest. Alex wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly as he sighed. She felt the weight of the world shift away. Alex brushed the hair back from his forehead and placed a soft kiss there.

"I never knew how much I needed someone till you. Nev-" the word broke off as his throat tightened. She felt his surging of emotion as it welled in his chest.

"I know. That's how I feel too. You have no idea what this world was for me until you."

He spun his ring around his finger, musing for a moment. "Then tell me."

"What?"

"Tell me Alex. You are intelligent and descriptive. What was it like?"

"The loving of you without the having truly wasn't the worst part." She paused, wondering how to put into words the synchronicity they seemed to share for years before she moved to Korea. "What's the strangest coincidence that you have ever had Joon. The weirdest 'I can't believe that just happened' moment you've ever had?"

"I mean not much, but do you mean like when JK and I both sang marry me at the same time? Something like that?"

Alex quickly nodded. "Fuck yes! I had forgot about that. Yes exactly like that. Now imagine it happening all the time. You post something and a person, who doesn't know you, posts almost the same thing. You are curious about that person and ask questions to the universe that the person just happens to answer like they heard you in the quiet of you room. Pleas to the dark night for personal pictures, TMI or even that person doing the exact thing you begged for specifically. Once would be odd. Twice could possibly be a coincidence. But when it happens over and over and over, that's synchronicity. That's what it was like to love you."

"Like what? Tell me." He sat up, truly interested in this unbelievable happenstance. His mind erupted with questions.

"Well like you would post ducks on IG after I posted ducks on Facebook, or I would post pictures of the cats at the rescue I volunteered for and the next day, or even later the same day, you would post a picture or video of cats. There was this one night, I was so depressed and sad. You had already posted that day and I knew that it was highly unlikely that you would post again, but you did. I begged you, sobbing in loneliness, to please post a personal picture or a studio picture. Something, anything! If you could hear me, feel me even in the slightest." She could feel that memory burning behind her eyes. Alex took a deep breath.
"I needed you to be there even though you couldn't be there. I needed to feel you in that moment. The next day you posted four pictures. Personal and studio, so you did both and I didn't need any more convincing that you could in some way, feel what I was saying or wanting. I loved you for that. Loved the connection we shared. I knew your messages were for ARMY, but in some ways I felt like they were just for me. Every 'I love you' was mine alone. It hurt that I might never be able to tell you, might never be close enough to you that telling you wouldn't seem weird. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to be all fan-girl in front of you. Scare you away or piss you off. That was always a huge fear. That's why I waited so long to give you your ring. So, did you have an intended purpose with what you posted?"