Friendships Desires and Secrets

All at Once and A Little at a Time

"Look Namjoonssi, I can see I made you angry. I'm just going to go."

"No." He stated firmly.

"No?" She wiped away the fresh tears and waited. He had looked down at the grass, collecting his thoughts. "No, you aren't going. Not till I say everything."

She nodded then waited for him to work through his thoughts. Waited for him translate them all in his head. She would have waited forever, because she didn't want to go. He took a long deep breath.

"Why? It's not really a question Alex. You stole time from us by keeping your secrets."
Her tears came harder, renewed by his words.

"You never gave me the option to love you! You kept it all to your inself, to your suffering. How is that fair, to keep away the choice. And I could tell you how many it was. How many moments there was I wanted to pull you close. How many times to kiss you. Even since that first night at Cheybol. I held my self checked for you, for your feeling of it. You make my strength. My whole world. It's a brightened place with you here. You kept yourself from the real part of it." He shook his head crunching his face up in frustration and thought for a moment. "I can't even have this madness cause I did it too. I have my own stubborn self, my own shy self to blame as well. I knew all along."

She uncrossed her arms and tried to reach out to him. To find the tenderness that she knew they still had. That they had always had. "Namj-"

"ANIYO!" He cut her off. "I won't do this here." He turned towards where there were bikes for rent parked, and walked off. Alex followed him. She knew he wasn't done but when he was angry there wasn't much space left in his big brain to be angry in both languages. He took two bikes and they rode in silence, she behind him. She thought he might go to his place since it was closer, but he rode to hers. Probably best he wasn't heard shouting there. After almost an hour long, mostly downhill ride, they pulled up to her building. He entered the code to get in and opened the door for her. Alex ducked under his outstretched arm and went into her place. She had steadied herself all the way there, and now she was ready for his verbal onslaught. Now, up in her flat, he shut the door solidly and strode towards her, wrapping her in his arms and crushing her to his chest. 

"I loved you the first time we spoke you damned woman. Fuck, you should have told me. I honestly thought you just wanted a friendship forever. I kept trying not to become so attached. Trying not to feel those damn butterflies every time I see you." His words were soft but intense, then he trailed off. She thought he had stopped breathing when he suddenly took a deep breath that shuddered upon exiting his large frame. She tightened her arms around him, her hand going up to the back of his neck, petting him and shushing him as she began to sob with him. His shoulders shook several times before he finally calmed himself a bit, he pulled back and dashed away his tears, squeezing his eyes tightly. "Now, how long?"

 
"Since I fell or since I knew?" She took a step back from him.

"Both," He shrugged. "What's it were the differences?"

She knew what he meant. "When I knew it wasn't a crush, couldn't be? That day at the museum. When you were so excited at the new exhibit, and...and you wanted to tell me first. Remember? You told me before anyone else. You called me first, you took me with you. I felt you turn from the person I thought I loved into the person I would love the rest of my life, alone if need be. I didn't want to lose that which had become so precious to me. Your facial expression as you explained the artist, and why you were so overwrought. I wanted you to look at me like that one day. To be as art for you. That night I called your name in my sleep, you were walking away and walking away as I screamed for you to come back, and it was all my fault. So my fear grew." Alex took a deep breath.