Better Than Him

Chapter XXXVII

Night came too soon in her opinion. The sun was starting to set. Since every kingdom was in the castle, dinner was just brought to their rooms. They didn't want to have another big dinner because they figured everyone should rest. Clarke and Lexa ate together of course but they didn't get to enjoy too much time together because Lexa was needed elsewhere.

Clarke was standing on her balcony. She was just remembering all of the good times she's had with Lexa. She remembered the time she saw Lexa in the courtyard chasing around Madi. All of the times she annoyed the living shit out of her. Can't forget about the horse riding, horse riding together. All of the dirty jokes Lexa had said. The list goes on and on.

She just wished she enjoyed it more, she thought it would have lasted forever. That is what it felt like though. It felt like their love would have lasted lifetimes. There was not a single part of her that regretted this relationship even though it ended way too soon.

She had been on the balcony for about half an hour when she heard footsteps on the roof. She didn't need to turn around to know that it was Lexa. She heard her drop down to the balcony and that is when Clarke turned around. Lexa walked over to her and held a hand out for her to take. She took her hand.

Lexa helped her back onto the roof. This time she wasn't nervous about being so high up. She trusted Lexa to not let her fall off the roof. Neither of them said anything on the way up. They only talked when they sat down and got comfortable.

In the distance, the lights of Polis started to be lit in front of them. The night air was cool against her skin but the warmth of Lexa next to her balanced it out.

Lexa scooted closer to her and put her arm around her as Clarke placed her head under her shoulder. "After tonight, I feel like it would be best if-" Lexa started but Clarke cut her off.

"Shhh, I don't wanna talk about that yet." Clarke said, closing her eyes. Lexa nodded. "Just hold me for a bit." Lexa pressed a lingering kiss on her head before wrapping both arms around her.

"Of course, princess." Lexa whispered. Clarke snaked her arms around her waist. "Just let me know when you are ready to talk."

Clarke felt tears coming to her eyes. "I'll never be ready." Her voice was shakey.

"I know, me too."

They sat there for god knows how long. Clarke did her best not to let any tears leave her eyes but was unsuccessful. Lexa wiped and kissed her tears away. Clarke never wanted to let go of Lexa. They whispered softly to each other, comforting one another.

Finally, Clarke pulled away and sniffled. "Let's do this, I guess." Clarke said, taking a deep breath. Lexa wiped her eyes and nodded.

"After tonight, I feel like it would be best if we pretend we don't even know each other." Lexa said, hugging her knees to her chest. "I know I won't be able to resist you." Clarke smiled sadly and took Lexa's hand, interlocking their fingers. "You are all I think about and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to stop thinking about you."

"What about the dance at the wedding?" Clarke asked.

"Just step on my toes and tell me how much you hate me." Clarke laughed through tears.

"I never hated you." Clarke wiped her cheeks with her free hand. "Yeah, you were fucking annoying but it was charming." Lexa kissed the back of their hands. "But I think us ignoring each other is the right call." Lexa nodded.

"Do you have any regrets?" Clarke shook her head, not trust her words. "That's good. Me too."

Both of them went silent. Neither of them trusted they could speak without breaking down crying. They both had a lot to say.

Clarke blinked away tears and composed herself. "What are you going to do after I go back to Arkadia?"

Lexa shrugged. "I dunno." Clarke nodded. "Maybe I'll take Randvi on a date and try to have a relationship with her." Lexa ran a hand through her hair. "What about you?"

"Try to live my life, I guess." Lexa nodded.

For the next half hour, they talked softly. They reflected on the past few weeks. They tried to smile through their tears but it was hard to. But soon it was getting too late. It wasn't even nine at night yet but Clarke had a big day tomorrow and she needed her beauty sleep.

"I wish we could stay here forever." Clarke said, wiping more tears away. Lexa nodded as more tears fell down her face.

"Let me walk you back to your room, I don't want you to fall." Lexa said, standing up. Clarke nodded and standed up as well with the help of Lexa. Clarke wiped Lexa's tears away with her thumbs.

With that, they made their way back to Clarke's room, slowly. The walk was way too fast. The closer to their room they got, the more her heart ached. She could tell Lexa felt the same way.

Lexa jumped down first onto her balcony and then helped her down. The first thing Lexa did was wrap her in a hug. Clarke buried her head into the base of her neck, breathing her in. Lexa's arms were wrapped strongly around her. That hug caused them both to break down crying, they were trying so hard to be strong but couldn't keep it together anymore.

They stayed there for a good five minutes before pulling away. "I have something to give you." Lexa said after many shaky deep breathes. Lexa took the leather necklace off from around her neck. "When I was young, I brought this ring to use to ask Costia to marry me. I regret not being able to marry her, even though that was out of my control." Lexa's hands were a little unstable as her hands held the ring. "It's just, I don't know if I could live with myself if I lost another girl I lov-, lost another girl I cared about." Lexa's words were a mess due to her emotions.

Clarke couldn't get words out so instead she kissed her, hoping to get her message across. Lexa did understand and put the necklace in her hand once they pulled apart. "Promise me that you'll try to move on, I want you to be happy."

"I'll try." Lexa whispered, nodding. Lexa gave her a soft smile after kissing her head one last time. Lexa started her walk to the door to enter back into her room.

Lexa opened the door and Clarke turned around. "May we meet again." Clarke's voice cracked.

"We will." Lexa said, giving her a sad smile. "If not this lifetime, we will in another."

With that Lexa left her on the balcony. As soon as the door shut, that was the breaking point. She couldn't bring herself to leave the balcony. She just held onto the railing for support because it felt like her legs were gonna give out.

After maybe five minutes, the door opened again. She was hopeful that it was Lexa coming back in but it wasn't. Raven stepped outside with her. Raven wrapped her in a hug and kissed her head.

"You're okay." Raven whispered. Raven put a hand on the back of her head, cradling her.

"I think I love her." Clarke cried.

"I know." Raven kissed her. "I know she loves you too."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hate this chapter because of the writers block I went through to write this and because of the Clexa break up.