All Of My Silences Will Be Your Words [English Vers. - FINISHED]

Chapter Three

Gathering my things was quick. I didn't have much to take apart from my clothes and a few pairs of shoes. Unlike the other children at the orphanage, I had no mementos to treasure in a tin box hidden under my bed. The only one I had as a child was this jewel around my neck, bearing my name. But I got rid of it. Why keep something that does harm every time you look at it ? Unlike some orphans, I no longer had any hope or desire of finding my biological family.

Before I left the orphanage, I saw the Lee family several times. We walked around Sydney, ate ice-creams, had a meal together... They're all very nice, and didn't insist too much on making me talk, unlike others who forced me by every possible means. Nevertheless, they talked to me a lot. The two girls, Olivia and Rachael, took me shopping. They asked me to choose something that would make me happy, to give to myself as a welcome gift.

- Since we didn't know your tastes, Rachael told me, we thought it would be nice if you chose something you liked !

She gave me a big smile, so kind and benevolent that I managed to smile back. A small smile, of course, but a smile nonetheless. I was amazed myself, and almost without realizing it, I began to hope and believe that this family might finally be the one.

- Knock, knock...

I turned back to the door to face Madame Lee.

- Are you ready ? She asked with a smile.

I picked up my suitcase and nodded, then followed her up the stairs without a backward glance. The headmistress said goodbye, and I could see that her eyes were shining brighter than usual. If I could have spoken, I would have told her there was no reason to cry. After all, there was nothing to stop me coming back to say hello now and then. Or coming back for good, as I had done a few years ago. A shiver ran down my spine. During the time I'd spent with the Lee family, I'd become attached to them without realizing it, and their touching, caring atmosphere... What if they "returned" me to the orphanage, like other families before them ? It would hurt all the more, since I had begun to give them a hint of trust. I hated myself for that, thinking about it. How could I already have sympathy for people I barely knew !

As I passed through the wrought-iron gate to the parking lot where Madame Lee's car was parked, I paused for a few seconds before crossing the line separating the orphanage from the outside world. Hating myself was pointless, I thought. So I might as well dive in headfirst, right ? What did I have to lose that I hadn't already lost anyway ? I already knew the pain of being abandoned, it couldn't be worse than the first time !

I closed my eyes, gripping the handle of my suitcase tightly, saying a silent prayer to whatever god might have heard me then.

Please make this family the right one. May I finally be happy.

***

- Felix is coming home next month ! The girls are on vacation for two weeks starting tomorrow, so we'll be able to schedule some fun family stuff together, while giving you time to get used to your new life. You'll have your room all to yourself, even though in theory it's Felix's room. But since he doesn't spend much time at home any more, we thought we'd give it to you. We'll get organized when he comes back for a few days, see where he sleeps.

Madame Lee's incessant chatter gave me a rest. She talks a lot, and she smiles a lot too. I like her, I realized.

- I was thinking we could communicate in little notebooks, you know, like at the restaurant last time ? If you like, sure. I understand if you need more time.

I nodded. To answer their questions, I'd written on the paper napkins in the restaurant. Of course, it was always a bit difficult because I didn't know how to answer their questions. By not talking anymore, I didn't know if I was saying too much or not enough. I didn't want to close myself off any more than I already was, but it was hard for me to confide in them.

- Why don't we drop by the store near our house ? Madame Lee decided. They sell pretty notebooks, so you can choose the one you like !

And she turned to leave, humming happily. I watched her stealthily. Of Korean origin, like the rest of the family, she had pretty chocolate eyes and chestnut hair. Her smile lit up her face.

Soon we reached the store, and Madame Lee turned off the engine. I got out, and we went inside, heading for the famous notebooks.

- I'll let you choose. She said. I'll go and see if they've got any fresh fruit to make a salad for tonight !

His sentence twisted my stomach, while a sudden and irrational fear seized my limbs, preventing me from thinking properly. Madame Lee didn't notice, as she was already turning away. I opened my mouth to hold her back, but my throat tightened and, as usual, no words came out. I could see her back, her hair moving with her movements, and an image superimposed itself on my vision. The image of another woman, with brown hair, leaving without my being able to do anything about it.

With tears in my eyes and my mouth open, I could see her walking away too quickly.

No.

Wait for me.

I so wanted to say those words...

Frustrated, panicked and sad, I crouched on the ground, sniffling. My heart clenched with every sob. Please come back. Please come back.

Please come back.

Don't leave me.

I was gasping for breath, suffocating through my tears.

DON'T LEAVE ME.

DON'T LEAVE ME.

- Sae-Jin ?! Are you all right, darling ?!

A hand rested on my head. I looked up, my cheeks bathed in salty tears.

Madame Lee's blurred face faced me, worried and surprised. Seeing my tears, she let out an "oh !" of surprise, before gently drawing me to her. She held me loosely in her arms, as if to say she didn't want to force me. She stroked my hair, slowly, while I calmed down painfully.

- Sorry... Sorry... She whispered in my ear. It's all right, it's all right. I'm here...

These words only made me cry harder. She tried to console me, thinking she'd made the situation worse. What I couldn't tell her, but thought very strongly, was that she'd simply said the words I'd been waiting to hear for so long. To have someone by my side.