All Of My Silences Will Be Your Words [English Vers. - FINISHED]

Chapter Eighteen

Felix was reluctant to have her come to Korea with him ; seeing her in such pain when they arrived at the airport had made him doubt her, especially as it was the first time she'd set foot in an airport since her mother had abandoned her there. How could he be so selfish as to put her through such an ordeal again ? And why did she follow her anyway ? Did she love him that much ? He asked himself before pushing the question from his mind as he felt his cheeks turn pink. He couldn't think about that at a time like this, when she needed him.

They made their way towards his mother, who was standing at the front door of the airport, and suddenly Felix felt a small hand slip into his. He looked down at Sae, and saw that she was once again casting panicked glances around her. He squeezed her hand tighter in his, trying to convey his strength and calm ; if it was the only thing he could do to help her a little, he'd do it as best he could. He didn't know if his little speech had helped her, or on the contrary, had plunged her further into perplexity.

They entered the airport. Felix felt the little hand trembling between his fingers. He gripped it tighter. Sae had to hold on. She'd insisted on accompanying him, even when they'd arrived and she'd had an anxiety attack. She was strong, even if she didn't realize it. She could very well have given up when she felt ill in the parking lot. But she didn't. She was still there, by his side. Felix glanced at her. Her gaze was lost in the distance, and strangely enough, she didn't really seem to be with them at the moment ; her eyes seemed empty, even though he could still feel her hand trembling in his.

They moved on, almost to the baggage check-in. Sae followed, but showed no sign of being with them. Her gaze held on to nothing around them, as if she'd gone blind... Felix watched her out of the corner of his eye, worried. He was relieved she wasn't having an anxiety attack like earlier, yet he could see something was wrong. Something was going on ; he just couldn't work out what.

- Sae is weird, he whispered to his mother as she handed him back his bag.

His mother nodded slowly.

- I've noticed it too, she replied with a hint of concern in her voice. I don't dare talk to her, for fear of surprising her and making things worse. She looks like she's sleepwalking, she added.

- Or blind, added her son.

Sae remained in this state the whole time they were in the airport. When it was time to leave his mother and board the plane, Felix embraced her without letting go of Sae's hand.

- I'm going to miss you. He said, breathing in his mother's perfume one last time. I'll let you know about Sae as soon as we get there.

- I'll miss you too, darling. Take care of yourself, and if anything happens to Sae or she wants to come home, tell her she's only a phone call away. We'll be right there.

- I promise I'll give her the message. I love you, Lix.

- I love you too, Lix.

They said goodbye, and Felix took Sae to the gate. It wasn't until she was sitting in her seat on the plane that she blinked, seeming to come to her senses. Felix leaned towards her, ready to reassure her if she ever lost her bearings.

- Sae ? He tried in a soft voice.

She looked up at him. A strange look, lost, sad but not distressed, as he had imagined. A few strands of her hair tickled his face, and she pushed them away absent-mindedly.

- Are you... Are you all right ? He asked again.

Then she began to cry, silently.

***

As soon as she'd set foot in the airport, she'd felt it. A forgotten memory. Something suddenly resurfacing. As they entered the airport concourse, her world faded in spite of herself, plunging her right into the heart of her memory. She was no longer holding hands with Felix, but with someone else. A woman, very tall, walking fast. She could hardly keep up with her, stumbling with every step. She felt that her body was not the same as before ; smaller, and the world around her too big. She was back to being the little girl she'd been when she was eight. The one who'd been abandoned.

The woman had a faraway look in her eyes, and acted as if she didn't exist. She simply pulled her by the arm, looking like she was trying to find her way. The people around them were talking loudly, sometimes jostling them. There were a lot of people. Too many, in fact. Sae-Jin felt suffocated by all these adults, and she was afraid. She didn't understand what they were doing here, in this place that was too noisy, too crowded, too everything.

- Mommy ! Mommy ! Where are we going, Mommy ? She cried in the direction of the dark-haired woman.

She got no answer. The twenty-one-year-old Sae-Jin wasn't surprised; the eight-year-old was perplexed. She still didn't know what was going to happen to her, unlike the twenty-one-year-old Sae-Jin. Twenty-one-year-old Sae-Jin was dreading the moment that her memory had wiped out over the last thirteen years. How was her mother going to abandon her ? How would little Sae-Jin react ? Would it be painful ? Would the eight-year-old not immediately understand what would happen to her once she was alone ?

Sae-Jin was apprehensive. She felt completely dependent on this woman who was carrying her around at arm's length, without mercy. Her emotions were mixed, as she felt what her eight-year-old double was feeling, in addition to her own emotions. She was reliving the scene that had made her what she was today : an orphan, wounded by life and by the woman who had given birth to her.

They strolled on for a few more minutes, which seemed like hours to Sae-Jin. She could feel her little legs getting tired ; she wanted to take a break and sit down somewhere... until they finally stopped in front of the boarding gate. The twenty-one-year-old Sae-Jin held her breath as her mother, whose face she'd forgotten until then, finally leaned towards her.

She looked exactly like her. Brown hair, brown eyes and a white complexion typical of South Korea. The only difference was that her mother's gaze was hard, cold and inexpressive. She began to speak to little Sae-Jin, but didn't look directly at her. Her eyes didn't seem to know where to rest. Sae-Jin knew why : her mother was going to abandon her, and it seemed to make her nervous. Maybe sad too ?

- I've got to go and do something before we board the plane. She quickly explained to Sae-Jin. You're going to get on the plane and wait for me there, okay ? I'll be back soon, so stay on the plane and sit in your seat.

Eight-year-old Sae-Jin nodded. She was a little scared because she'd never been on a plane alone, but she wanted to be brave and act big. After all, time would fly and her mommy would soon be back.

Her mother awkwardly patted her on the shoulder and pushed her forward.

- Go on ! She urged her in a hurried tone.

Little Sae-Jin obeyed and headed for the plane. She got in, and sat down at a seat, watching as people took their turn entering the plane to occupy themselves until her mom returned. She waited. She found the time long, but waited in silence. Until a stewardess came to meet her.

- Are you all alone, big girl ? She asked gently.

- No, I'm waiting for my mom, replied the eight-year-old Sae-Jin.

The twenty-one-year-old Sae-Jin felt her heart clench painfully in her chest. How could the hostess never have noticed that her mother would never arrive ?

Time passed again and another lady, a passenger this time, arrived at Sae-Jin's level. She took a seat beside her, fastened herself down and closed her eyes with a sigh. The little girl didn't dare disturb her, but she was worried. Where was her mom going to sit ? Then she made up her mind : when her mother arrived, she would simply ask the lady to change seats. There was nothing to worry about. The little girl yawned, tired from her strenuous walk through the airport, and from being constantly on the alert since she'd entered the plane to watch for her mother's arrival. She felt her eyelids growing heavier and heavier. The twenty-one-year-old Sae-Jin wanted to struggle and scream. The little girl was going to fall asleep before the plane took off. She wasn't going to see that her mother hadn't arrived when the plane left. She couldn't sleep ! Not now !

Little Sae-Jin closed her eyes for good this time, too tired to fight sleep.