All Of My Silences Will Be Your Words [English Vers. - FINISHED]

Chapter Sixteen

For once, the words had come out on their own, flowing through my throat and mouth with an ease I'd never thought possible. I hadn't really thought about what I was going to say, unlike all the other times I'd tossed a sentence around in my head for dozens of minutes trying to say it out loud. I'd just heard the girls think their father would side with Mrs. Lee, and since I knew that wasn't true, I'd answered them... Loudly.

I was up at dawn this morning. I couldn't sleep. Felix and I had talked for hours, sitting on the sofa, and by the time I'd gone to bed, I'd realized what we'd decided.

I was leaving for Korea with him the day after tomorrow. And the amazing thing was that I wasn't afraid. I, the terrified girl who had spent an entire week hiding in Felix's room when I arrived, was ready to face a journey to an unknown country. I would also have to face the airport, but I preferred not to think about that right now.

Mr Lee was already downstairs when I tiptoed back downstairs so as not to wake Felix, who was asleep on the sofa bed. I took the opportunity to talk to him (or write to him) about our project, and to my surprise, he immediately agreed. He was very supportive, and it was with a big smile that he gently patted my arm before setting off to gather his things and go to work.

- You're a big girl, and you're right to enjoy your youth, Sae-Jin, he said before leaving the kitchen. If you feel up to it, don't hold back. Just go for it.

I felt my chest swell strangely, and a smile spread across my face. I felt like in that moment I could have faced anything. And a few hours later, when I'd gone back down to the dining room once more, I'd overheard the conversation between Felix, Madame Lee, Olivia and Rachael. The same strange feeling had returned when the girls had talked about me. As silly as it sounded, I realized it was my self-confidence I was feeling. The people I could now call "my family" trusted me, and through them, I felt that same emotion I'd forgotten along the way. How long had it been since I'd felt this way ?

Was that why I'd spoken, so suddenly, without really realizing it ? At least, that's what I wanted to believe. Felix and the others were so surprised that they didn't immediately realize it was me speaking in a room other than their own. Then Felix finally turned his gaze in my direction. I felt my cheeks burn, and waved at him, uncomfortable that everyone was suddenly staring at me. I knew I'd reached a milestone. A big one, in fact. And I could see that Lix was thinking the same thing, from the look of admiration, amazement and joy he was giving me.

- Oh Sae-Jiiiiiin ! Olivia exclaimed suddenly as she pounced on me.

She crushed me more than she hugged me, but I couldn't help smiling as the others joined us.

- I'm so happy for you ! She said happily.

- Liv' let her breathe ! Rachael grumbled, trying to save me.

I laughed as Olivia stepped aside, sticking her tongue out at her sister. The latter pretended not to have seen anything and came to take me in her arms, but less abruptly. Madame Lee joined in, sniffing discreetly. No one commented, but everyone understood that she was holding back from crying; this warmed my heart all the more, because even though I already knew that she had been the first to want to adopt an orphan, her reaction touched me deeply. Even if I still called her "Madame Lee" or "Lina" from time to time, she meant a lot to me: after all, hadn't she been the first to reach out to me when I'd panicked in the store when we left the orphanage ?

When they stepped aside, I gave them a big smile of thanks. I was tempted to open my mouth to say "thank you", but I held back. What if I couldn't ? I was afraid of being disappointed and not...

- Go at your own pace, Sae, joked Felix, his throat tightening with emotion as he approached. It's only natural that you don't give us any big speeches right off the bat.

His sisters nodded and chatted happily, including their mother to cheer him up. Felix took advantage of the fact that attention was no longer focused on me to smile at me and give me a hug. I smelled his shampoo as I rested my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around his neck.

- I so wasn't expecting this, he whispered in my ear. I... I don't think any words are good enough to describe how I feel, he added, laughing.

I squeezed him a little tighter, closing my eyes to concentrate on him and only him.

I could feel his heartbeat, slow and steady, soothing. I settled almost instinctively on his own breathing, feeling my own heartbeat slow gently. It was like the carnival on the bench. My thoughts and brain had stopped looping, incessant and tiring. I just felt good. Where I belonged. Soothed. As if he'd pressed the stop button, with a simple hug or kiss. Is this what love feels like ?

***

On his last day with his family, Felix wanted to do something to mark the occasion before he left. So, after packing his bags, he headed back down to the dining room, determined to propose an outing to his family.

Except, apparently, his sisters and mother had already found something for Sae-Jin to do. Sitting at the big dining-room table, they were teaching him... Korean. A detail Felix had completely forgotten.

- Oh sorry, Sae ! He exclaimed, hurtling down the last few steps of the staircase. It completely slipped my mind !

- If you're that sorry, why don't you come and help us ? You're the most knowledgeable on the subject of all of us. Rachael commented, pulling a chair up beside her to invite her to sit down.

- I'd love to !

He barely had time to put his butt on the chair before Sae pushed his notebook towards him.

How long did it take you to learn Korean ?

- Euuuuh... I don't really know... I learned as I went along, but I'd say I started to feel really comfortable after, say, a year or so ? He tried, trying to remember his first years in Korea.

From the desperate look on Sae's face, a year seemed far too long for his liking, and she banged her head with her notebook.