All Of My Silences Will Be Your Words [English Vers. - FINISHED]

Chapter Nine

What the hell was I thinking ?! I buried my head a little deeper in my comforter, my cheeks still on fire. I could still see everyone staring at me, surprised by my sonorous giggle. And by everyone, of course, I meant Felix. He'd looked completely out of it when the girls had dragged him out of my room. But why ? Had my reaction surprised him that much ? Or did he think I'd made fun of him ?

I sighed, my head still in my comforter. Why exactly was I asking myself all these questions ? I was getting tired all by myself...

Someone knocked on my door.

- Sae-Jin, hurry up ! Olivia nagged me impatiently. We're waiting for you in the kitchen !

I heard her rush down the stairs, singing happily. It made me smile. Well, another one. This family certainly had a way of putting me in a good mood. Maybe this will be the last and best family I'll ever have...

Ten minutes later, I found an overexcited Olivia, a Rachael already tired of her younger sister and a Felix still a little out of it, but more amused by his sisters than totally lost in his own world.

- Is this it ?! Olivia exclaimed, rushing to the door when she saw me coming into the kitchen. Here we go !

- Watch out, it might slide on the terrace ! Warned Rachael as she followed close behind, followed by Felix.

I followed them curiously, won over by their excitement and impatience ; the three of them went out first and ran around the garden, jumping up and down and squealing with delight. I, in turn, went through the door and took my first, slightly over-confident step onto the terrace... And felt myself slip backwards on the cold, frozen ground.

- Oh shit ! Sae-Jin, are you okay ?!

I winced as I half rose, feeling the hard ground beneath my buttocks. Rachael and Felix had reached me first, and each held out a hand to help me to my feet. Olivia was watching us, sitting in the snow.

- Sae, are you all right ? She asked, a hint of concern in her voice.

I grabbed the outstretched hands and pulled myself to my feet. I gave Olivia a thumbs-up with a smile. Other than a good bruise, I had nothing.

- If I'd known, laughed Rachael, I'd have told you to be careful, not Olivia !

- Are you going to be all right ? Felix asked me with a small smile.

He was still holding the end of my elbow, as if reluctant to hold me tighter. I grinned back at him and nodded. I might have had trouble talking, but I was still going to walk ! I felt the tips of my ears redden, and moved forward before anyone noticed, joining Olivia. Olivia had stood up straight, hands on hips.

- Well done, everyone ! She announced cheerfully. We've got a mission.

- Oh yes, that's right ! Exclaimed Rachael, joining her.

- A mission ? Felix repeated, clearly as lost as I was.

Olivia nodded vigorously before pointing a finger theatrically in my direction.

- Do you remember what the dear lady asked us last night ? She asked.

I raised an eyebrow as I tried to recall last night's discussions. What could I have said... ?

- Ah ! exclaimed Felix beside me. The snow !

Snow ? Oh...

Why is it so important for me to be here when it snows ?

- Since you didn't seem convinced by our explanations last night, we're going to prove it to you in the field ! Exclaimed Olivia, full of enthusiasm.

I was just wondering how they were going to prove it, when I saw Olivia pick up a huge lump of snow and shape it into a ball. Oh, oh.

- IT'S WAR ! She screamed, hurling the snowball at me.

I shielded myself with my arms at the last minute, and while Olivia was laughing out loud, Rachael and Felix had also launched hostilities, so I had no choice but to imitate them if I didn't want to end up a living snowman. I picked up some snow of my own, and even though my ball looked like nothing, I was happy to aim it at Olivia. The snow crashed against the back of her neck, causing her to squeal in surprise.

- It's cold ! She exclaimed as Rachael laughed at her.

- Good aim, Sae-Jin ! She congratulated me before running off when Olivia started chasing her.

A big smile stretched my lips and a little laugh shook my shoulders... Until a snowball passed right under my nose.

- Damn, my aim was off ! Felix lamented as I turned to face him. You forgot about me, didn't you ? Too bad, I missed a great opportunity, he laughed.

I smiled at him, pouting, and grabbed some snow ; Felix did the same, and thirty seconds later we were throwing snowball after snowball at each other, neither of us willing to give up. I could hardly see, I was freezing cold and soaked to the skin, but I couldn't stop smiling.

After a few minutes, I had to give up, out of breath. I stopped my assault and raised my hands in surrender, and Felix let out a victory cry that must have been heard throughout the neighborhood.

I let myself fall to the ground, and Felix joined me, a big smile hanging on his lips.

- Didn't we have fun ? He said, also out of breath.

I smiled again and nodded. Just then, the snow began to fall again, and I had to flutter my eyelids harder as the flakes fell on my face. Felix laughed and put his hand in front of my eyes.

- Is that better ? He smiled.

I nodded again.

- You see, this is what we wanted to show you, he continued, meeting my eyes. When we played in the snow as kids, we always played together ; we'd have snowball fights, push each other to take turns going down on the sled... Sharing those moments was what made the snow magical.

He was silent for a few moments, and I hesitated to say whether he was lost in thought or in my gaze.

- I don't know what you've been through... But when I saw you not understanding our point of view last night, I thought you must have been very lonely, for a long time, he said in a whisper.

My smile instantly disappeared from my face. His words took me straight back to the orphanage, to those tasteless, lifeless days. My days, looking out the window at the other children having fun outside. Waiting for nothing... Except maybe someone who could love me, when I think about it now. Waiting for what I thought was impossible.

- Sorry, I didn't mean to make you sad, Felix huffed, bringing me back to reality.

I was in the snow, with great people; I was living with a family full of life, understanding, love. They gave me time to do everything at my own pace. I suddenly remembered all the evenings when Mrs. Lee had given me my meal in my room because I was too scared to go out. Of Monsieur Lee's proud smile when I'd laughed earlier. Of the kindness of Olivia and Rachael. Of Felix. Her smile, her gentleness, her honesty since I'd met her...

- Sae-Jin... What's wrong ? Felix asked softly, watching me. You're crying...

That's when I realized that salty tears were rolling down my cheeks, externalizing all the evenings I'd spent alone in bed at the orphanage, my failed stints with other families, my loneliness again and again, heavier every day without me really realizing it, this silence from which I could no longer escape.

And hope. The hope that had slowly begun to warm my heart since I'd been staying with the Lee family. Hope that I could be with people who accepted me for who I was. The hope of finally belonging somewhere. The hope of having a real home, a real family. The hope of being able to evolve, maybe speak one day, and most of all, the hope of being happy. To be able to smile every day, even over the smallest things, to laugh with others over a cup of hot chocolate. To be able to have fun in the snow whenever it starts to snow.

To have happy memories to look back on later.

To have happy memories.