All Of My Silences Will Be Your Words [English Vers. - FINISHED]

Chapter Eleven

It seemed like lunch took forever to finish. I fidgeted in my chair, tapping my thigh with my fingertip as I watched the dishes come and go. I could feel the impatience gradually building up, and it was hard to sit still and wait for everyone to finish eating ; even Olivia, usually energetic and intense, seemed slow and calm. Our morning in the snow seemed to have tired her more than I had imagined. Was I the only one so eager to go out after lunch and see the funfair ? They seemed so enthusiastic about going out to play in the snow this morning, I thought they'd be noisier and more energetic than that.

Even though I was, as usual, the only silent one at the table (or the only silent one at all, for that matter), my impatience must have been noticeable, because Felix started giving me surprised looks halfway through the meal. Towards dessert, it was Mr Lee who noticed that I was moving around a lot, and asked me if I was all right. I smiled and nodded, suddenly annoyed by my own behavior. That's all I ever did : smile and nod. Why was this bothering me today ? It usually didn't bother me.

- Why don't we go and get ready, Sae-Jin ? Felix said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I looked up at him and saw that he'd finished his dessert.

- We can leave first, and you can join us, he continued, smiling. I've got a feeling Sae-Jin can't wait to discover the funfair.

Madame Lee laughed, and Rachael gave me an amused look.

- We noticed that, she replied, smiling.

Her remark made me react before I even had time to think that it was childish : I stuck out my tongue at her.

Rachael pretended to take offence, while Felix and the others laughed. It was the first time I'd ever done something like that, and I was the first to be surprised. Was this proof that I was beginning to feel at home with the Lees ?

- I couldn't have said it better myself, Sae, giggled Olivia, her mouth still full of chocolate mousse.

For some reason, her remark made me blush with pride, and I followed Felix up the stairs with a big smile. I couldn't wait to go to the funfair ! It was the first time I'd felt such impatience, and it warmed my heart.

***

Seeing her smile and restrain herself from jumping for joy made him smile in return. It was the first time he'd seen her act like this, and the first time he'd seen her fidget in her chair during a meal. He could see that not being able to speak had frustrated her ; her frown at his chocolate mousse had put him on the spot, as she had just smiled and nodded in her father's direction to answer his question.

Felix tried to put himself in her place while he pulled on a warm sweater. Communicating only in writing had to be tiring. Answering every question in writing largely limited their discussions ; at first, since she seemed rather introverted by nature, perhaps this hadn't bothered him much. After all, they were all used to filling in the silences themselves in their families. So it was easier for her and saved her from forced conversations. But now ? She was getting used to them, must have felt more confident and so certainly wanted to get to know them better, to be able to take part in discussions... How frustrating it must have been not to be able to talk !

Felix finished putting on his coat and joined Sae-Jin. She was already ready, standing straight in front of her bedroom door.

- Ready to go ? He asked, his mind still lost in thought.

She nodded, and they descended the stairs, before going out into the fresh air, while Felix was still thinking... How could he help Sae-Jin to speak again when she seemed to be suffering from her own silence ? Wasn't that a little too reckless of him, having only known her for a few days ? What if he asked her ?

A light tap on his arm snapped him out of his reflections, and he lowered his gaze in the direction of Sae-Jin, who was watching him, intrigued. She had kept her finger on the sleeve of his jacket, and tilted her head to one side. It took Felix a little while to realize that she was holding out her cell phone in her other hand, waiting for him to answer.

You look lost, do you know where the funfair is ?

- Ah, yes, of course, he said, forcing himself to think about something other than his hand still on his jacket. It's not far, but we'll have to walk a bit, he explained, resuming his walk.

She raised an eyebrow but added nothing to her phone, which she put away as she followed him. She kept her hand on his jacket, gently catching the fabric between her fingers, with her usual discretion - as if he could ignore such a gesture, when a few hours earlier they were holding hands ! Feeling the tips of his ears turn red once more, he cleared his throat and couldn't help talking about anything and everything, even though he knew she wasn't answering him. He couldn't say what he'd been talking about, too busy filling the silence to keep his mind from wandering to Sae-Jin's hand clinging to his jacket. Why was she having such an effect on him ?

Suddenly, a movement stopped him dead in his tracks, and he gasped as he turned back to Sae-Jin who had stopped, pulling him by the sleeve.

- What the... ? He began, looking around. Ah... Yes.

The funfair stood on the other side of the street, on their right, as he was going straight on without realizing it.

***

I wondered what Felix was thinking, on the way to the funfair. He was talking, staring off into the distance, but didn't seem to be concentrating very hard on what he was telling me ; after telling me three or four times about the snow and the cold, he'd gone on to talk about everything he saw on our route : a dog in a garden, children playing on the sidewalk... Although he usually talked easily about a lot of things, it seemed different this time, which surprised me. What could be preoccupying him ?

I'd been tempted to ask him using my phone, but I'd have had to remove my hand from his jacket, which selfishly I didn't want to do. I'd grabbed him on some sort of impulse, seeing him staring off into the distance, to bring him back down to earth and get him to answer the question I'd written on my mobile. When I realized I was holding him, I couldn't imagine taking my hand away at the risk of making him think I hated him. Which I clearly didn't! And since he hadn't made any comment, there was no reason for me to remove my hand, was there ?

I myself was surprised by my own impulse ; I didn't know myself to be so reckless with a boy I liked. At the same time, flirting when you're in an orphanage, and when you don't speak, isn't very accessible.

When the funfair came into view, I couldn't help but smile. Forgetting everything else, I craned my neck to try and get a closer look at the stalls and rides, curious to discover this new and unfamiliar universe. I quickened my pace and led Felix towards the first stalls.

- Take it easy ! He laughed, seeing that I was walking faster and faster.

At the same time, Felix, how can I contain my joy ! I thought, pursing my lips. I felt a ball of happiness rise in my throat and cheeks, making me smile and want to laugh. We were finally there !

The roofs of the stands were covered in powder snow and the lights on the rides added a touch of magic, making the place seem timeless. It was quite crowded, but the crowd had no effect on me : I felt as if I'd sprouted wings on my back ! I felt invincible and unstoppable, so I strode confidently through the crowd without hesitation, heading for the first stand that caught my eye : the stuffed animal stand !

- Sae ! Laughed Felix behind my back. You're tearing my arm off !

I turned towards him with a smile, waiting for him to get closer as he weaved in and out of the crowd. He ended up standing in front of me, closer than I thought because of the crowd that was closing in around us.

- I didn't think it would be this crowded ! Felix commented, tilting his head towards me.

Neither did I ; maybe I'd underestimated the crowd earlier, and I thought it was a lot less fun now that we were in it. I replied in my head.

I wanted to answer him orally. But could I ? It wasn't the first time, since I'd moved in with the Lee family, that I'd felt like talking; but between wanting to and being able to, the line seemed unbridgeable...

- Shall we go to that stuffed toy stand, then ? Felix replied, smiling at me.

Was it that obvious that this was where I wanted to go ?