Daraga Series #1: The Fire's Sanctuary

Chapter 27

I have no say on how he moved on.. he just did and I don't have the right to even comment on how he did it. Masakit man iyon para sa akin but I don't have anything to feel other than pain.. what he did is valid.. it's okay to tell people that he doesn't know me.

It's okay that he fully moved on and he removed me permanently from his life.

Dahil kahit saang anggulo tingnan ako ang may kasalanan sa aming dalawa. From his point of view, I cheated, from my own point of view.. I know I did not cheat but I was still the one who was not strong enough to still hold on to our relationship.

I feel so weak.. hindi ko alam kung para saan nga ba ako mahina. Alam kong takot ako na masaktan lang kalaunan.. o masaktan lang siya kalaunan, alam kong takot ako na mapasa ulit lahat ng bigat na nararamdaman ko sa kanya.. I hated the thought that he will share the burden with me knowing that he has his own problems.. alam kong natatakot ako na sa tuwing may ibabagsak sa akin na pasanin tatakbo ako.. I will run again to him.

And as I realize it now, running away right now feels so selfish. Iniisip ko pa lang iyon ngayon parang ang bigat bigat sa pakiramdam na tatakasan ko ulit ang mga bagay na mahirap sa akin para lang maging komportable.

I learned to handle it.. I just learned to always fight rather than flight because I had no choice, If I run away I have a bigger price to pay.. at saan naman ako pupunta. I had a lot of places in mind but I know it won't bring me comfort.

I don't want to say that I was better off without Camilo, but I know that without him I learned how to resist running away because I know I can only run away with him.. or run to him. I don't have a place in mind.. I don't have a person in mind that equates to the comfort he makes me feel. 

I know I said that love from a significant other is not the thing that only matters in life but of course, I longed for it... I wonder how it feels to have Camilo by my side right now.

He was ruthless with his words, he even admitted it but as soon as he knew a part of me.. he brought me the comfort that I needed, the warmth that I needed.. the light that I needed.

I feel like he was the only human made for that.. I feel like I just exaggerate it but I know that I had the best.. that it soothed my soul when my Dad or even myself breaks it.

Camilo understands my anger, my frustrations, my sadness.. my pain.. everything. He understands and always makes my emotions valid.. I smirked, bold of me to say that I was somehow better off without him because I was less weak but the truth is.. when I'm with him I know I'm in good hands.. he's the one that is better off without me.

So I just need to accept that fact.. wala na kami, wala na siya sa akin.

I was in the middle of dwelling with it through my thoughts while I sat on my office chair when someone called me. Hindi ko napansin na kanina pa ako tulala at nag-iisip pagkatapos ko manggaling sa office ni Ma'am Karina.

"Ma'am Rayen.." nag-angat ako ng tingin sa tumawag sa akin. I noticed na binaba niya na ang mga papel na hawak niya sa table ko dahil kanina pa soguro niya ako tinatawag.

"Okay ka lang po ba?" tanong niya at ngumiti naman ako.

"Oo naman, may kailangan ka ba?" I said at pinakita niya sa akin ang iilang dokumento na kailangan ng approval. Pagkatapos ay umalis naman siya agad, I looked at the pile of papers and I sighed.

I used to hate how much work occupied most of my time and how it wore me out pero ngayon parang iyon pa ang nakakatulong sa akin na makalimutan muna pansamantala ang mga bumabagabag sa akin simula nang makita ko ang litratong iyon ni Camilo kasama ang pamilya ni Jariya.