Daraga Series #1: The Fire's Sanctuary

Chapter 21

They always said that I was like a ray of sunshine.. maybe because I was shaped like that. I grew up in a loving family.. even healthy they say..a loving Mom and Dad.. but life did teach me one thing.. no one's capable of being a ray of sunshine forever.

I can hear my Mom's stifled cries while I was at her door.

Kakaalis lang ni Dad kahapon.. it's funny to say na parang umalis lang siya para sa trabaho.. na parang babalik pa.. pero hindi na. I remember him walking away from our house, ni hindi man lang siya lumingon.. o kahit nagdalawang-isip.

It was midnight already, I couldn't sleep because I miss Dad, I went to my Mom's room but I heard her sobs.. I can't help to feel angry at him.. was it really that hard? to stay for Mom.. for us?

Sabi nina Manang Beth ay may pinuntahan daw si Mommy na importanteng meeting sa Manila at sa makalawa pa uuwi. Kahit na alam ko na nagsisinungaling sila ay nanatili akong tahimik.

I can hear her crying every night.

But soon it stopped.. she came back.

She smiled at me habang binababa ang umagahan na kakaluto lang. She was wearing her usual attire for work. Hindi ko maialis ang tingin ko sa kanya habang kinakausap niya sina Vern tinatanong kung anong nangyari noong nakaraang linggo habang wala siya.

Hinatid niya kami sa school na parang walang nangyari. She was smiling all the time and laughing every time Vern tell her a joke. Bumaba na ang dalawa at ako ay nanatili lang sa upuan ko.

Nilingon niya ako at bahagya pang napakunot ang noo nang mapansin na hindi pa ako bumababa ng sasakyan. Her face was asking if I have something to ask her but I just smiled and shook my head.

Isinukbit ko na ang isang strap ng bag ko sa aking balikat handa nang lumabas, I held on the car's door handle but I stopped, I looked at her once again and smiled a bit.

"You know.. Mom.. it's okay to cry.. s-sometimes" nahihiya kong sabi.. pero iyon talaga ang gustong sabihan habang nakikita ko siya na parang.. hindi siya nasasaktan sa pag-iwan namin ni Daddy. I heard her trying to be quiet when she cries inside her room.. like it was some sort of a crime.. when it's not.

Nakita ko ang pagkagulat niya sa narinig, lumamlam ang kanyang mata at nanubig bahagya kaya naman agad siyang nag-iwas ng tingin. Nakita ko ang pasimple niyang pagpunas mukha at bahagya pang tumawa.

It took her a while to face me once again. She smiled a bit as she looked at me with her misty eyes. She caressed my hair and tucked it behind my ear, "You know what your Lolo taught me.. as the eldest I need to be strong, when your Lola died he never cried in front of us.. because he said that if we saw him breakdown.. the whole family will.. one should be brave so that the family's whole foundation will not fully break down.. hindi pwedeng lahat tayo iiyak.. dapat may kahit isang magpapakita ng kalakasan.. and I want that to be me.. it should be your Mommy, Rai." she said and my lips parted.. I couldn't get it.

My mind was zoning out as our discussion went on inside our classroom... but soon I kinda get it. Lahat kaming tatlo na magkakapatid ay apektado sa pag-alis ni Daddy but as soon as Mommy went back.. showing signs of optimism, parang mas may buhay na muli ang bahay namin hindi katulad ng nakaraang mga araw na walang ingay.. walang lumalabas sa kanya-kanyang kwarto.

My Mom was like.. diamond. She's too strong... I never had a dream profession, but I want to be like her.. my dream is to be as strong as her.

Pero ngayon I know I'm way too far from that dream.

Kakauwi ko lang galing Manila.. this is the consequence. After running away this will be the consequence.

Labis ang takot ko pagkapasok ko nang bahay namin.. I didn't know why it felt different. Walang ingay at tahimik ang kahit saang sulok. Mabagal akong naglakad patungo sa hagdan namin, it was weird.. because it felt really heavy.