Daraga Series #1: The Fire's Sanctuary

Chapter 33

"Does Tita know that I will go there?" I played with my fingers while he was driving us to Bacacay.

"Ha?" I uttered as I was zoning out again, overthinking what might happen. His brows furrowed as he glanced at me. Kaya naman pinilit ko ang sarili ko na makinig at maging matinong kausap.. damn how will I apologize properly if my mind is always wandering.

"ah.. ano, okay lang naman yan"

"What do you mean it's okay.. you didn't tell her?" he asked and he looked bothered. As much as I don't want him bothered, hindi ko naman alam ang isasagot ko. Paano ba'to?

I just smiled at him and chuckled a bit, he looked really bothered and I'm not sure but he looked nervous also. "okay lang yan kay Mommy.. promise," I said as an assurance.

Kahit naman siguro buhay si Mommy, matutuwa iyon pag nakita siya. As I remembered she really liked Camilo.

Hindi na siya sumagot kaya naman napabuntong hininga na lamang ako. I suddenly felt nervous.. ano kayang sasabihin ko?

I know I should be honest but by being honest means I need to talk about my Mom and I think this will be the first time that I will talk about her after her death.

Will I be emotional? kakayanin ko kaya siyang pag-usapan?

I stopped my thoughts and just waited until we get there.. Mom please help me.

Nakita ko na ang signage na papasok sa Bacacay kaya naman pilit ko nang tinatak sa utak ko.. I will not justify the things that I did wrong, I will ask for forgiveness and whatever I will say.. it will be the truth, what I'm feeling, what I want to say.. I know I will be baring my soul.

I know it will be very hard for me.. mahirap na iyon sa akin, hindi ko na alam kung paano and maybe going there and looking at my Mom's grave will help me do it.. him forgiving me is not guaranteed but maybe as he looks at my Mom's grave he will be reminded that she was the only one I had.. she was my Mom and my Dad.

She was everything to me and suddenly I lost her.

I know it will be hard for him to forgive me and I will understand if he won't but I hope he hears my reason.. that I gave our relationship up because what happened was not something shallow.

I don't want to justify the things I did by using my Mom's death but I hope he will know that the moment my Mom left us.. it was really hard for me, my Mom's death killed me and until now I still carry the pain.. until now I don't feel alive.

"Are you okay?" napabaling naman ako sa kanya. Hindi ko man lang namalayan na tinigil niya pala ang sasakyan. I looked around and noticed that we were on the side of the road.

"Ginilid ko muna.. your hands were shaking." he said at napabaling naman ako roon. Bahagya ko iyong pinagdikit para maitago at minasahe.

"Medyo malamig kasi.." I lied at napapikit ako.. I just told myself a while ago that I will not lie.