Hold Me Into Fading

Kabanata 27

Kabanata 27

Paalam

Feelings are leading me home but memories are taking so long to forget... to remember... in between... or whatever. Whether to say hello or chase the goodbye.

Mabilis ang naging lakad ko sa tabing dagat dahil gusto nang makalayo kay Aliegher. I didn't have time to mind my tracks as long as I am good with my brisk walk heading to somewhere secluded. Somewhere that is out of people's reach. Beyond the darkness pervading the whole area.

O sa tabing dagat... sa malayo... basta hindi ako maaabot ni Aliegher.

I was too engrossed with my pain that I couldn't give a damn about my tears. Ni hindi ko man lang inabalang hawiin dahil pakiramdam ko malaya ako sa gawing 'to. I permitted my tears to fall.

"Liese?"

I paused at the faint shock. Naramdaman ko lang ang pagtabi ni Leon sa akin.

"Why are you here?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Why are you crying?" he asked and ignored my question.

Umiiling akong pinalis ang nagsibagsakang mga luha.

"I'm having episodes. You know, girls are dramatic and emotional in nature."

"I'm sure it isn't about that," his voice so soft and calming.

Suminghap ako saglit bago siya hinarap. His eyes widened when he saw me in tears. May bumagsak ulit na luha pero hindi ko na tinuyo. Mas lalo lang nabigla si Leon nang hindi ako nahiyang lumuha sa harap niya.

"I talked to him..." mahina ang boses kong amin.

His brows shut.

"Whom?"

"There was a heartbeat in a melancholic tune talking of love forever lost," my voice broke.

"In an endless nostalgia, Leon..."

"Liese..."

I shook my head and scoffed.

"Maybe... just maybe... the saddest kind of love is the love that was recognized too late that it existed in its death. That you only got to see it when it already subsided and the next thing you knew was that you lost everything for that. The what if... the could've been... the even if... the at least."

"Are we discussing about Aliegher?" he asked quietly.

Sandali akong napatitig sa kanya. Marahang suminghap, at dahan dahang umiyak sa harap niya.

In a sympathetic instinct, Leon caged me in his arms for a comfort. Hindi ko nagawang ibalik sa kanya ang yakap niya at tuluyang humagulgol.

Siguro 'yon ang dahilan ng biglang paglalapit namin ni Leon. I didn't know how I calmed. I forgot how I whist. I lost track how I managed to take all the pain in and carry on.

Hanggang sa araw ng kasal...

I was with August the whole wedding time. Nasa silya lang ako at kunwaring abala sa pagbabantay sa pamangkin kahit ilang beses kong nahuli ang sarili na natutulala sa kawalan. The wedding progressed and I was a total space cadet.

Napansin 'yon ni Mama. Ni Leon. Ni Vior, na kahit nasa harap ng altar at nangangako ulit sa asawa, hindi nakaligtas sa imahe kong tila wala sa sarili.

I don't want to spoil the wedding so I tried my best to keep up with the flow. I did eventually. Although I am lost at times, I still carry on until the end of the matrimonial ceremony.

Sa reception, saka lang ako nilapitan ni Mama. I knew what she is up to. Nagkunwari pang si August ang sadya pero kalaunan ay kinausap na rin ako.

"Have you two talked?"