On My Own Confusions

Confusion: Ten

Best

"If you're sorting your feelings for now, I'm willing to wait for you, Leigh. I'll wait until you'll wholeheartedly choose me."

My heart aches for his every word. To know that he's feeling this way since then. . . I can't imagine how it pains him to see that I'm with somebody else.

Pero hihintayin niya pa rin ba ako kahit walang kasiguraduhan? I don't see myself settling at this moment. Hindi ko pa nakikita ang sarili ko na nasa loob ng isang relasyon.

I want to tell him that I can't promise him anything for now.

"Lerv, I don't want you to wait. If ever you'll find someone, I will support you. Swear!"

"I will never and won't ever find someone else, Leigh. Kasi kung puwede pa, matagal na," his jaw clenched on his every word as if he's frustrated and angry.

My breathing isn't the same anymore. I want to calm the fuck down but I just can't. Bakit niya ba ito nagagawa? Hindi ko rin maintindihan bakit bigla siyang naging ganito sa akin. We're friends. We're close. Pero hindi ko kailanman naisip na posible itong mangyari.

"Lerv, please. . ."

"Leigh, please." He spoke and closed his eyes intently.

"We'll talk about this when we get back to Cebu." I told him.

He close his eyes and nodded slowly. "I'll wait, then."

Tumayo ako at naglakad paalis sa kung saan ako umupo kanina. Suddenly, everything feels so heavy. My lightweight dress seems to contribute to the heaviness I feel. The sands may be tiny and does not weigh much, but right now as I walk above it and when I'm feeling so puzzled, it became too much for me to take.

Hindi ko naramdaman na sumunod si Lerv sa akin. He's probably still in below the rock formations or wherever he is. Minutes more, nakabalik na ako sa villa. Everything is so perfect here; the scenery, the sound of the waves, the light from the sun, and the winds that are blowing.

Parang tinatangay ang buhok ko sa bawat ihip ng hangin. It seems that the wind wants me to calm down and to submit myself to the calmness the wind can offer, but my mind is too chaotic right now.

Biglaan, parang ang dami kong iniisip. Zen is going to the academy, si Mommy at si Lem na hindi nagbigay ng update sa lagay ni Zia, si Rom. . . and there's Lerv. Plus the threat I received earlier. Ang hirap pagsabayin lahat. Ang hirap isipin nang sabay-sabay. Ang hirap bigyan ng solusyon lahat ng nasa isip ko.

"Ate."

I almost jumped when I heard Zen calling me.

"What?" Tanong ko sabay tingin sa kanya. My heart is in chaos, parang aatakehin ako!

"Let's take a dip."

Tiningnan ko ang pool at dagat na nasa harapan. Saan?

"Oh. . . the pool."

Tumango ako at nag-isip kung maghuhubad ba ako agad o. . .

"I'll get us robes. For later."

Buti naman at nasagot niya lahat nang nasa isip ko. I want to take a dip in the sea in front of us but it's too sunny. Alam ko naman na may sunblock, but it will still hurt my skin.

Dumating si Zen dala ang mga robe namin. She's wearing a plain black one-piece swimsuit. While beneath my dress is a stringed blue two-piece. Nang nakita kong bumaba na si Zen sa pool, I followed her immediately.

"Ate, let's race. The first one to reach the other side of the pool wins," Zen suggested. I glared at her and she chuckled.

Tumawa pa siya dahil sa reaksyon ko. Hinahamon niya ako. She knows she would win over me with this race since she's good physically.