On My Own Confusions

Confusion: Twelve

Promise

"Lerv, I don't think this is right," hinihingal kong sabi sa kanya.

I was too driven with lust and pleasure earlier that I didn't care what will happen. But when we reached his room, pakiramdam ko ay nabuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig.

I came back to my senses and fuck! We kissed and aggressively caressing to each other's body... that's too intimate for us already!

"This isn't right because you're doing this with me..." I swear, I can almost feel his pain dripping on his every word.

Umiling ako sa kanyang sinabi. "That's really what I meant," I defended.

"I'm sorry for crossing the line, Leigh. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have made a move. I think I'm too influenced with alcohol that I'm confident to do this," he feels sorry. I want to tell him that a part of me liked it too but...

"I apologize for misbehaving, Leigh. I hope you could forget this afterwards. You're not in love with me for you to let me do this with you... that's why you said this isn't right."

My heart sank. I can't blame him. I made him believe that I don't feel anything for him and I told him that I don't like Rom. I know that he's confused. Gano'n din ako. I want to see Rom when I come back to Cebu. Gusto ko sukatin ang sarili ko. Kung may kakaiba akong maramdaman kay Rom, that only means one thing.

I know I'm such a fool for doing this. I'm selfish for doing this. Takot din ako makasakit ng tao. Pero parang nananakit lang din ako sa sitwasyon na ito.

"Lerv..." I called him to get his attention.

He neared me and fixed my sleeves before he pulled the cloth in my chest up. It showed a bit of my cleavage earlier. Now, he's covering it.

"I apologize. I'm deeply sorry, Leigh." He held the back of my neck and slowly pulled me to him.

He kissed my forehead and I gently close my eyes to enjoy its feel.

"I will wait. I'm in love with you, Leigh." He claimed.

Puwede bang sabihin nalang na huwag niya akong hintayin? To keep him waiting without assurance is such a selfish move. Kahit hindi ako ang nagsabi na maghintay siya, I feel like I'm still accountable.

I didn't sleep well that night. We're having lunch right now and I am not in the right state, mentally, yet I tried to control my behavior because Lerv's parents are here.

"Hija, are you fine?"

Napatingin ako sa Papa ni Lervint nang narinig ko ’yon. I hurriedly plastered a wide smile after that.

"I'm good, Tito." I smiled more.

"You're spacing out, hija. Kanina pa. We thought you have problems. Do you any problems? Probably, in Cebu? Or problem in New York?" Tita's a bit panicking when she said that.

"We're sorry, hija. We prioritized this vacation but we haven't asked you how your sister have been," she looks so sorry with her words.

"Tita, it's fine po. You don't have to worry about that," I smiled to give her assurance.

Tito and Tita give me their beautiful smile before we continued talking.

"What's your plan today? Island hopping? Or stay in the villa?" Tito joyfully asked us.

Kaming tatlo ni Zen at Lervint ay nagkatinginan dahil doon. We don't have any itinerary about this vacation, by the way. It was my fault, I haven't considered that I have Tita and Tito with me.