Masterminds - h.s

CH 18

Harry Styles

Being quiet is the worst defense mechanism that could have ever existed.

No one knows how badly I want to speak.

But the words never leave my throat.

The act of speaking should be easy, going from my brain to my vocal chords which rub together to make noise.

I've studied the act of speaking for as long as I could remember and sometimes it just feels impossible to do.

There are certain things that trigger my chords to become paralyzed.

I never want to stay silent in those moments but I have never been able to stop it from happening.

It's been a few weeks since the last time I spoke, that time being my conversation with Blaze.   

She told me I was good, I didn't know how to take it.

The only person I have spoken to since then is Nick but I have hardly done that.

I have no interest in being involved with their conversations anymore.

Blaze has stayed away from me, when we end up in the same room she looks at me differently than she used too.

I don't know what to call it but her eyes soften and she looks pitiful.

Like I did something for her to feel guilty for.

Lately I have just minded my business, listening to the boys argue and taking Hatch on walks. Having tummy time with Artie and letting him discover new areas of the house.

Marshall was able to adopt him because his record was the safest out of all of us.

He's officially a part of us.

Artie Wright.

It was fitting that he took Marsh's last name.

I think he's worried about me, there have been lots of days where he will sit with me in silence, just keeping me company.

Staying quiet has helped me rationalize the things going on around me.

I have slowly started to peice together what Blaze has been doing, getting over Kain, learning new things about myself.

I still don't like her, and that conversation we had a few weeks ago in the kitchen still envelopes my mind most nights.

I haven't been sleeping well.

I've even been tempted to take one of the cigarettes from Blaze just to see if it would help.

I have resisted but some days are harder than others.

I am out on the balcony of my apartment, I don't come out here often but it was too loud in the house for me right now.

Blaze comes up from behind me, placing her hand on my lower back.

I flinch, stepping away from her.

I stare out at the skyline watching the street.

"I don't like how quiet you are, Harry. Why cant you just speak to me?" She pleads, sounding desperate.