mulan smith
sativa by jhene aiko ft. swae lee
'why you make it so complicated'
man.
frustrated ain't even the word to describe my mixture of emotions.
her presence lingered in my mind, heavily.
repeatedly i daydreamed of her lips touching mine again, her warm minty breath against my neck, her smooth, soft hands touching the sides of my waist as she would expose the truth of how i felt bout her in my ear.
and it pissed me off.
pissed me off on how she could read my body language wit ease.
or how she could read aside my bullshit.
her presence made me irritated yet captivated. she unwantingly attracted me like gravity.
and every time her lips curved into her signature sly smirk, it made me angry yet feel so good.
butterflies flew freely in my stomach when her body presence was against mine.
her touch felt so nice and warm but made me defensive.
not use to the feeling of being put into my place or feeling vulnerable.
because no one and i mean ain't no one had the capability to do so.
you could yell and demand me like a child and imma plainly laugh in your face.
but when billie would simply guide her blue alluring eyes up and down my figure, that was enough to shut me up.
and i loved it and hated it at the same time.
wanting to feel some type of control. wanting the urge to claim my dominance and protect my energy.
and she swift that away in a matter of seconds, no debation involved.
dominance came natural with billie but the confidence she laced into it, made it knee-buckling yet aggravating.
i've been mistaking her rudeness for realness and her cockiness for confidence.
because i hated it when she was right and when she made me feel small like an ant.
made me submit under her touch and presence, sometime under the gaze of her eyes.
and though the feeling was as magical as it could get, it felt like hell.
my guards wanted to maintain their high posture, knowing billie's intention might or might not be pure.
either way, there's that lingering fear of getting hurt at the end.
the lingering fear of falling for someone who could care less then a penny bout you.
the fear of falling into their trusting arms just for them to drop you in turning chapter.
plus, i knew myself. i knew how obsessive, delusional, and crazy i get over a person i'm falling for.
i was fully aware of my unhealthy attachments which is why i kept things as " benefits" because honestly, i'm too young to be settling down at the age of 19.
at the age of 19, nothing is ever promised in the next ten years.
you get what i'm sayin?
but to sum up what i'm tryna say, is my feeling were complicated when it came to billie.
