billie o'connell
birds chirped in the early background as if they would in the movies as the sun beamed through the curtains, setting the room with a dim morning tone.
i laid on my back, my head tilted to the side, watching mulan sleep on the side of me; gathering every aspect of her beautiful face that i missed these past days.
her tear stains on her reddened cheek daggered slight pain in my heart knowing i was the cause of them; not that i had intended to be the cause, i didn't intend a lot of shit but life throws reality when you least expect.
within the time period i dissapeared, i spent them stuck in my head trying to feel an inch of guilt; to even feel something linger that resembled guilt yet couldn't bring myself to do so.
i couldn't because i meant my actions even if i didn't aim for it; everytime i looked yani in her pitiful eyes- i couldn't find a bit of mercy or solace for her, i only saw a stranger who murdered my daughter- my first born because of their selfish wants-
their selfish wants not needs and mind you, that's all yani ever been, selfish.
so why should i spare her life for pity? when she never had it for mailyn, only egotism to cover for the guilt she felt because she knew she was nothing but a deadbeat hoe.
i despised and immesnsely hated yani's being and every breath she had and made; the breath she stole from mailyn.
all together, i just needed to get away from reality that life had thrown at me; i couldn't handle it anymore. i wasn't think when i left yani's dead body in the hands of mulan and for that, i felt guilt.
i felt guilt for leaving mulan here by herself and clueless of the situation even if she did have small indications.
i knew christopher wouldn't tell mulan anything because that's how he is- he would rather the main person tell their own story instead from third person.
and though, i understood where he was tryin to come from in trying to respect my privacy and not exploit it without my permission, mulan didn't- so i knew i had to hurry back.
in all honesty, i had planned to come back the following night after what happened but my car ran out of gas so therefore i was stranded infront of the place i had to burry my daughter and i sure in hell didn't have much energy to walk to the nearest gas station of some kind.
and then i forreal gave up when my phone died when i tried dialing tripple A, so i just went to mailyn's grave site and laid there for the night, in hopes that maybe this would all be just a vivid dream and mailyn would run to me any second; that didn't happen.
the following morning, i walked for a good a hour or two until i landed upon a small town and got help there.
as the tow truck went to go get my car, i went to a small shop, bought some clothes, and then booked myself into a motel.
at the motel, i showered, brushed my teeth, and allat.
after, i took a much needed nap for a good amount until i decided it was time to get up and leave for home. i went back to the auto-shop, paid the total amount i owed, got my car, went to a small diner for food, and then headed for home.
sounds busy but it was actually nice being in a town where nobody knew who i was; i could actually clear my mind there and it felt like i could just start fresh.
everybody in the town were all open-armed and warming just like mama joan which brought me immense comfort.
i could for sure head back for a week or two someday and rent out a air bnb or something.
