Awake and alive

Part 8

//vote//

Mina would msg me and tell me how belina feel
i was so done with belina

I wanted to let her go but I couldn't I was trying to forget her but I couldn't

Mina send you 9+

'Y/n'
'Y/n'
'Y/n'
'Y/n'

Too many msg saying my name what happened
'Yeah?' I said

'belina msg you but u didn't seen it she's now crying more harder she thinks that you hate her'
'I was asleep?' In fact I was literally sleeping

'Send her a msg and apologize'

'But mina I didn't Done anything? I literally changed my self for her I Swear to god I did what I could I practically begged her I pretended everything was fine'

'Just send her a msg please'
'I'm blocked'
'I'll tell her to unblock you'

I saw belina's account and i got unblocked

She send me a msg 'hey'
'i was sleeping'
She Left me on Seen
After 3 mins
'meow' I said

'Why you n aurora won't match Insta too?' She said
'We'll do that too' I said because I was literally dying inside she wouldn't let me go nor I would let her go
'oh ig i should find some matching stuff for y'all' says belina

'real' I said
user blocked you

And like that mina told me that Shes crying she made a gc

I didn't know what to do should I just apologize? I mean what am I spoused to do

I mean mina just used belina to get closer to me that's it

'Look I'm sorry but like I already matched with you now i mean aurora is also my bsf we are trio belina'
'Yk what go do sh and kill yourself' says belina
And left

I didn't know what to do because mina didn't know that I do sh and now belina told her that in the gc?
I didn't know what to do so I just let her go but I knew she would come back

And

I met a Girl in a discord server named lily

Yeah i met a lot of people I really liked them such a noorie or 'bald fuck' I gave them that nickname actually and like a lot of more people such as remi Sel Marta a lot of people I actually cared about them
And I loved them

And they all were mentally ill like god damn emo club? I had alot of fun with them I was just too scared to lose them I mean I lost all of them all the people I cared about online or not

I really wished that we won't end up like my old gc I mean I went through alot of groups

And for Lilly
I really loved her and I wish she would've liked me back she would've flirted back and made jokes with me

She said 'I'll commit double suicide with you'
As a joke obviously but I took it srsly it was just the time I felt like gosh I'm in love

So I thought 'why not shoot my shot' after like months alot of months actually and like I really loved her

I told her.

'I like you'
'Im so sorry I don't really feel the same way'

She didn't felt the same way for me
and it was really heart breaking for me that night
It's not like I can force her to like me back I mean she's an actual person after all

I tried to kill myself because I actually loved her
I was laying down on the floor listening to wonderless

You can now play the song

i was laying down the floor I was spoused to be clean after all I promised belina
But I kept my promise but did she?

I thought of every moment of my life the moments that me and belina were together

the moments of me and camila

the moments of me and her and nova every fucking moments

the moments that my family fought me all the time

the moments my coach shouted at me

the moments everything went black

I really wanted to commit suicide I got the sharper and I just slit my wrist it wasn't deep I asked myself why but then is realized im scared

But if im scared why did I tried to commit suicide 7 times or maybe im not actually scared belina belina will feel sad for me

I just lay down on the floor and watched the wall and I over think and overthink I overthinked everything

I'm not actually ugly it's just I hate myself that's why I'm ugly to myself

My thoughts were so strange
But I was still wishing that I wasn't alive

Am I alive and awake? I thought the first answer that came to my mind was no

I would've ate someday then regret it
I would've just done sh then regret it
I would've done something then regret it
I would've done nothing and then regret it for doing nothing
I would've just killed myself with no regrets

.......................
new part coming out on 11th July