Awake and alive

Part 3

//vote//

Then someday I tried to do that 'sh' they talked about that make u feel alive again

'Ouch' the thought of nova hurts deep down my skin it just hurts me thinking about her I wonder does she feel the same? and 'god damn it worked'

I thought as I was feeling feelings again

it kinda felt like burning and satisfying I was scared what if my mom find out? I wore a oversized hoodie in summer.

Next morning I went to eat something low on calories

I searched my counter then I saw the candy bar again 'one bite won't change anything'

I thought I took the candy bar and took a bite I took another bite I ate the whole candy bar 

I didn't feel satisfied 'screw everything my life is fucked up anyways' I said

as I found another candy bar I ate it I opened the frigider and I saw a cake I took the cake and ate the

whole cake alone still I didn't felt satisfied i went to buy things in the store

I bought chips noodles biscuits candy bars and ice cream I came back and my mom saw me

'Aren't you trying to lose weight?? Why r u even eating these? god damn you're fat y/n'

I didn't said anything I went back to my room I ate it all too I wasn't exactly fat fat

I was tall and I weighed 70 kgs but my mom wanted me skinner so did myself

I ate it all alone again then I felt guilty for eating that much

I went to the bathroom to throw up I couldn't throw up i was so sad about it

and now I'm gonna be fat I thought

I looked at myself in the mirror again and start crying hard for myself

'this body don't  deserve me'
I cried as I could then straight went to my phone

Y/n YOU'RE FINALLY ONLINE WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Nothing really I tried that sh y'all said'
'Dumb fucking bitch I didn't wanted you to try we were just talking about it'

Seen

i didn't actually said anything cuz it felt satisfying

then belina came online we called again it was so fun I was trying to replace nova with belina

School opened online school actually
But we still went to school for like 4 days a week

I always hang out with belina and the popular girls I wish I was popular too I wish I was cool like them too

I wish That I was perfect like them I wish that I had a perfect body like them

After 8 months

'Wyd?'
Who tf is this I thought I read the user name nova

My heart start beating like crazy and I promised my self that I won't talk to nova again because

I just tried to kill myself just for her I tried sh so I could forget her I just didn't wanted to talk to her again but my heart wanted her I didn't know what to do

I was getting a heart attack from her msg

I tried to stay calm and act like nothing happened even tho I tried to commit suicide 7 times just for her

............................

New part coming out on 1st July