Just A Monster (KP FIC)

16

What happened? Why was it so dark? Why wasn't I my self?

It wasn't long before I went into a complete panic upon realizing where I was, which was no where, I was forever lost in this formidable and endless darkness and it scared me. At any moment something in the darkness could decide they didn't want me in their spacious home and attack me and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I felt as if my body wasn't my own, I couldn't move or feel, all I could do was close my eyes and hope that more darkness could cloud over the insufferable one. Somehow I did despite not having any muscle memory what so ever. I was hit with a wave of sudden relief, everything felt so much quiet, everything felt peaceful and safe, everything felt as if I was home.

I relaxed ever so slightly, still very much aware I was still in the middle of a nightmarish no where. Before I knew it I could properly think again which sent chills down my spine, wherever the hell my spine was, I couldn't seem to look down to make sure it was in the same place it'd always be if I hadn't been ruthlessly torn apart. It felt like it was somewhere elsewhere. I questioned if it had even gone down rather then up or right and left. I swear I had questioned it all before I had gotten to the point I was questioning my self, what is wrong with me? 

I had mauled, torn, and broken three gootraxians.

I lied continuously to their closest relatives. 

I dragged others into my own issues and attempted to make it their own. 

I pushed everyone away...

I pushed Fed away and brushed everything off as if it were nothing.

I included Panther in my murderous schemes.

I LIED to Sprinklekit...

The only one who had ever shown real care to me and I lied to them endlessly. I had lied to them so much I was shocked they hadn't gotten tired of it and moved on. Completely refusing to show any acknowledgement to my existence. I'd cry if I knew how to, I'd fall to me knees if I knew where they were.

Why did that one thought always put me in such a wreck? It's not like I wanted nothing but the best for them, it's not like they wouldn't be happier if I weren't around. EVERYONE would be happier if I weren't around.

They were right, Sinox was right.

This isn't something that can just blow over like a common cold or short obsession, it was permanently strapped onto me. I'd die to know if I had a chance at stopping it in the past, long before I had tasted fresh blood, long before the feeling of it had ever crossed my mind or touched my tongue. It didn't matter now, all that mattered is that it was to late for me, the chance for me to change my ways was long gone and out of my control.

But not them, it's not to late for them. 

I can still save everybody else, I can still prevent anymore murders, I can still provide a happier and safer environment for Sprinklekit. But at what cost?

Suddenly I choked.

Then sobbed.

All while still being able to think and hear it.

I could move and locate each and every weak bone in my body.

I could feel my own tears pricking my eyes and running down each sides of my face. I was back to normal!

Almost.. back to normal...

Something was wrong.

Within a few seconds of regaining my ability to properly squirm around the pain of thousands of wounds were inflicted onto my body, it had happened so quickly I didn't have any reaction. I just fell silent and completely frozen. I could feel the texture of cold tiled floors hit my skin beneath me and see the darkness slowly start to disappear and give a clear view of what I once knew as home.

The cafeteria.

But not behind the counter or in the freezer, but the entrance, and I was laid flat down beneath the opened door frame, indicating my body was either surfacing the motion triggers or it was a blackout. I was confused, nothing currently made sense and it was making me panic all over again. But before I could I heard heavy breathing just above me, and it wasn't my own. After so long of being numb and paralyzed I had to take the time to consider it, the moment I heard it I completely held my breath and became stiff to the point I was sure it wasn't me. I was sure I wasn't alone now. Everything was beginning to piece together but ever so slowly, and when it was almost complete I realized I was missing a part of the puzzle that really made it snap. I hesitantly looked above me, digging my claws into the cold floors and snarling.

It was Feizao, hovering above me with pure hatred in their eyes. I was brought back to reality, everything had finally started to make sense. And it all made my situation nothing but worst, the pain had begun to settle and it burned making me whimper and squirm around in their grasp. I was reliving it. This is the last time I ever saw Feizao alive and kind of well. They were covered in scars head to toe and fearfully gazing up at me when I pushed them down to the ground, their constant movement only further pushing me into making a decision I've known to regret since the night it happened. Although I've brought my self to think this is something I deserved for so long it still scared me, being in such a vulnerable position whilst knowing what was bound to happen next was terrifying. But when? When were they going to make such a fatal blow? When were they going to kill me in ways they found unimaginable the moment the event occurred? They were just fucking sitting there!  

"Why?" They spoke, their once hateful glare turning into one of sorrow.

"Why did you take it all from me?!" They repeated. I couldn't speak, whenever I tried I just coughed up even more tears.

"I'm sorry..." I mouthed, barely being able to without a stutter. Their grip only tightened around my bleeding scars, snarling before shifting into a position I found all to familiar which only made me shed more tears.

"Your not sorry.." They said whilst shedding a few tears of their own. It looked like they felt bad for me, like the thought of how their life was taken from them in the blink of an eye was over shadowed by vengeful thoughts and forcing them to do this. But why? Why do they feel bad? Why did I feel I had the right to cry and beg for mercy in the presence of an old friend who I mercilessly took the life of? I looked back at them, my body violently shaking as I prepared for the worst.

"Your just sorry you got caught." Then it happened. 

All of the suffering I had caused them and the rest of my victims.

All of the weight of the lies I had once told.

All of the regret I've ever thought.

All of the thoughts of Shade and Fashui after their death thinking about what they could have done to prevent it and only wishing they could atone for their mistakes coming back to me and being drowned out by my own screams

and the thought that I could've done better.