Worthy Of Love

Probably? maybe?

Olivia

Last night, Mrs. Nam handed me the bag that I had refused from Jimin. My first reaction was to dump the whole thing in the trash but then I remembered that I was too damn hungry to be doing it. And my morals won't let me throw away perfectly good food.

So I scourged through the polythene bag and fished out multiple Ramyeon packa, some sausages and dumplings, instant rice, tteokbokki, kimbap and cooked soy eggs. But that was what I picked out, what I didn't pick out, were the Ice cream tub, some other desserts and a pack of soda. No wonder the thing was heavier than what I initially thought it would be.

Problem was, all of it, he had learnt to keep in the fridge when we were cohabiting. And this kinda shit hurt. Especially when you were reluctant to talk to him and end up pushing him over the edge, leading him to say things that he may/may not mean.

But when he said it, every cell in my body accepted it. Accepted that what he said was true. After all, of all people, I knew that anger which is stemmed from grief is often the one that says the most hurtful things. And even though, it all may sound petty, the reality was, in that moment, everything the person would speak was true.

So I decided that it was better if I let this go. I knew I was too much, the biggest red flag to reign on the dating scene right now, so might as well distance from the person who could be hurt from your actions. I knew that it would take much longer than a month to recover from the fact that Jimin got a cold feet as soon as we were trudging into the serious waters. That kind of shit leaves an impact that cannot be fixed by someone else. Much like any wound, healing an emotional wound is often an internal work rather than external.

I kept my distance from Jimin because I knew I would say things that would lead to us fighting like we never had. I knew I would say shit that would drive him up a wall. I knew it. And that's why I kept my distance from him.

Regardless of that, no matter what I believed in or who I would blame in this situation, I mentally made a note of keeping my distance from Jimin as of that moment. It wasn't worth it, the heartache, the fights, all of it, I wasn't worth it. Jimin was willing to try as he said, and as he mentioned, I did retract to my old ways before even giving him the opportunity to explain himself.

But really, what would you explain?

I honestly didn't understand what he would explain. How he would explain him running off that night and how would I forgive that? In the same way, how will he ever forgive the fact that I didn't even take a moment to listen to him?

Relationships were hard, I realised. I also realised, I didn't have it in me whatever it takes to keep a relationship working. Jimin deserved someone who did, someone who would question him about why he did what he did and listen to him as well to understand his side of the story too. I just wasn't that person.

Believing in all that bullshit and drowning in self - loathing/pity, I went to sleep yesterday night, only to woke up today with a bitch of a headache. My entire body was aching from carrying my gear on my shoulders.

"This is just new kind of hell." I said as I stretched my muscles out and felt the satisfaction of after sleep stretching only temporarily until I felt the throbbing pain in my neck.

"Fucking high blood pressure." I grumbled and stepped out from my bed.

It took me a good 30 minutes of hot shower to relieve the tension from last night's event and yesterday's hustle. It was the last day of our shoot after all, so we pulled extra weight yesterday to cover up all the loose ends. Thankfully, the physically taxing part was done. Sadly, the emotional and psychological part was yet to come.