Trigger warning: mentions of sexual and physical assault
I tried being happy at [high school], I really did. I came to class the first day and ignored the people snickering about my usage of wired headphones. And it worked! For almost a whole semester, I felt happy. I felt okay about being in this weird new town; it was a big cultural difference going from Mississauga to [town], but I was okay. I liked my classes, my friends, my teachers, it was okay! I was okay.
Until I wasn't. I remember the day clearly: January 14th, 2020 around 1:30 pm. Since this question gets asked a lot, 13-year-old me was wearing a blue hoodie I had stolen from my sister, black tights, and dark purple snow boots. I was in my favourite class. It was a large classroom, so my friends and I tended to slack off in a corner that the teacher couldn't see. We all sat in a row, my friend Mason, my friend Jake, me, my friend Maddie, and my friend Macy. It was going well, we were having fun, playing Skribbl.io, and cheating while playing. It would have been a picture-perfect moment. However, by the end of the day, I left having been sexually and physically assaulted by Jake and Mason.
The event shook me to the core. Mason was the same person who'd make me switch seats with him when the rumoured-creep teacher would come in our direction, he was one of my best friends; how could he do that to me? I thought about it for months. I have a very flirtatious personality, did he get the wrong idea? Did I dress too provocatively? Did I say something? What did I do wrong?
The worst part of getting assaulted was the realisation that came with it. Because of previous trauma, a lot of my childhood memories were blocked off. So when I was assaulted by Jake and Mason, I was under the impression that this was my first time getting sexually assaulted. I was wrong. Mason and Jake's actions resulted in more of my childhood memories resurfacing. I came to the realisation that Mason and Jake's assault was my third incident of sexual assault. My first being when I was around 4 and the second was when I was 12.
My whole perspective changed. When I thought I had only been assaulted once, I eventually chalked up the reasoning to be Mason and Jake's character. But this wasn't the first time. Three people couldn't have been that horrible, so the problem must have been me. I came to the conclusion that the problem wasn't the way I dressed, but the way I acted. During the pandemic, I spent time subconsciously curating a new personality. I began acting colder, constantly being rude when interacting with new people, I began creating walls almost impossible to destroy, and the flirtatious part of my personality was never revealed to others. Since the problem was me, I did everything in my power to fix it. And in my mind, dissecting and designing a new personality was the only solution.
I wish I could go on and talk about how I went through some giant epiphany, realised that I wasn't the problem, went back to normal and was okay. But that never happened. I went through therapy for a little bit after the assaults and was slowly fed the idea that whatever happened wasn't because of me. Keyword: slowly. I'm still in the process of healing from all the trauma and understanding how it impacts my everyday life. I'm still growing.
A major thing I've learnt from this incident is that growth isn't linear. Some days, my growth looks like me feeling comfortable enough to wear whatever and act however I please. Other days, it might look like me sobbing in the bathtub, scrubbing my skin red to get rid of the feeling of someone else's hands on me. Regardless of my actions, I am still growing. I am still healing. I'm still going to therapy and understanding how my previous assaults impacted me and how I can move on and heal from them. I will have bad days and I will have good days, but I have learnt that the quality of the day does not impact the quality of my growth.
Getting assaulted by Mason and Jake was one of the worst incidents that happened to me. It crushed my self-confidence, made me question my dignity, and ruined my self-respect. It made me question every relationship I've had and every action I've ever done. However, I do need to give it credit for teaching me one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learnt. So, some days I like [school], and other days I hate it. That's okay. I'm still growing to like it after what happened to me, and my growth isn't linear.
