𝐇𝐞𝐫 | 𝐁.𝐄

~Chapter 19~

(i gave up on trying to edit those chapter pictures bc i'm too lazy to do it now but this is a short chapter until I update soon)

things have been pretty great recently, me and Billie have been taking it slow for the past week but I think we both know our feelings for each other are getting stronger.

my dad has been the same unfortunately, Billie still doesn't know but I don't want her to, I don't wanna get her involved in case she ends up hurt. I wish my dad was different, Patrick is the most amazing father to Billie, he would never lay a hand on her and he loves her so much and he makes sure to show how much he cares. he doesn't beat her or hold her down or force her to do things she doesn't want to, I wish he was my dad instead but I deserve the pain anyways, I always will.

my dad sees my cuts and scars on my thighs but he could care less if I hurt myself all he cares about is getting what he wants, I wish he cared, I wish he noticed me, I wish he would sit and talk or hang out with me and ask me about things I'm interested in or just be nice to me at least, but I'll never have that. ever. I'll have to deal with this forever, the more I think about it the more I realize there's only one escape...

I really like Billie like a lot but I'm not sure if I can take this anymore, all this pain and suffering. My dad probably wishes I were dead and if I'm being honest so do I, I'm tired of feeling, I'm tired of all this bullshit, I'm tired of having to deal with this all over again after years of finally being free. no matter what I do...I can't escape.

-a couple of days later-

things are getting worse, he's getting worse.
he's more aggressive and puts me in pain longer than before, I wear hoodies and pants all the time, and I never show skin. not because I don't want to but because I can't, the marks I have all over me are bad, the cuts I have from the nights I sobbed for hours after he left. Deep down I feel like there's no escape, I will never truly be free.

I've been laying in bed thinking about my life for hours, how much I hate it, how much I hate being here but the one thing that keeps me somewhat sane is that beautiful blue-eyed girl next door. I fall for her more every time I talk to her, I wish I could put into words how much I care for her but that seems almost impossible for me.

I don't wanna lose her, I would do anything for her even if that meant me doing something I could never take back, I would rather be dead than have her dead, I would rather be hurt than have her hurt. this maybe be intense and too soon since we've only been "talking" I guess you could say, for a week but I feel such a strong connection with her it's honestly crazy.

I feel like she deserves better though, someone not as damaged, someone who isn't broken, but she doesn't know the truth yet and I don't think I wanna tell her how broken and damaged I actually am. I wanna be able to enjoy it while it last because it won't for long.

—

update coming tomorrow, I'm gonna try to update every day but clearly I can't promise that since I have a history of disappearing for months lmaoo