CONSUME

[17] explanation

***

kameron springfield

After the conversation with my mom yesterday, I should be adamant on backing out of this whole thing with Axel. It's true that I'm unsure about it all. What does it mean for us? Where is this going to take us, and most of all, how does he feel about it?

I know what I think:

I don't have romantic feelings for him. That's a given. It's not possible for me to like Axel in a romantic way because time and time again he has proven to me that he's not the kind of guy I'd ever date. I wouldn't even be his friend. That's always been a known fact and an understanding between us. It's why we haven't been friends all of these years. 

So... then why does it feel so fucking right when he touches me, and kisses me? 

I never thought I'd be the kind of person to want a no-strings-attached intimate relationship with somebody. And I most definitely could never have imagined that that somebody would be Axel Conynghim. It's absurd. It makes no sense. He's not the sort of guy I ever imagined myself giving my first kiss to. 

But I did. It happened. And as much as I should regret it, there isn't a single bone in my body that doesn't crave his kiss every single moment of the day. I've come to wonder if perhaps two people don't have to be in love to enjoy one another's touch. Maybe it can be good even without emotion involved. 

I feel like I'm thinking unethically. I probably am. However I just can't help it. 

I've yet to respond to Austin's messages from two nights ago. I haven't seen or heard from Axel either. Today is Monday which means that there is an Art Club Meeting after school. Which means that I have to face him. 

What should I say? How should I act? Does he regret what happened, or is he thinking about kissing me too? 

My brain's all jumbled and for the first time in my life I can't focus properly on other things in my life besides sexual things. It's all that's on my mind. 

Replays of Halloween and what we did in Axel's bed just keep flashing through my memory, and last night I even tried to recreate the feeling he brought out in me. But my hand didn't do it the same way. I could barely get myself to orgasm. 

I have no idea what I'm going to do when I see him. As I walked towards the art classroom warily, I felt a lump in my throat at the thought of Axel already being in here. He wasn't though, since club doesn't start for another five minutes. I sighed out of relief, setting my backpack down on my chair. I pulled out some papers that I printed to hand out to everyone. 

"Hey!" I heard a familiar voice. 

"Cole, hey." I replied back, a little bit disappointed that it wasn't who I thought it might be. I pinned a smile onto my lips anyways, as he walked over to a desk and put his things down. 

"How are you doing?" He asked. 

"I'm good. What's up with you?" 

"Nothing much. I..." He started. Cole stood upright and walked over to me, about two feet of distance between us. "I'm sorry about the other night. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, or...if things got weird, I..." He trailed off gingerly, seemingly unsure of what to say or where to go with the rest of his apology. 

I smiled, shaking my head. "No worries, really." I shrugged, embarrassed. "I was just really drunk. In fact, I'm sorry that you had to see me like that." I laughed it off, and Cole chuckled slightly as well. 

"Haha, okay. It's alright." He sat down, and I did too, getting things organized as others began to arrive. A couple of kids walked in, along with Karly. I smiled at them all, Cole continuing our conversation. "Where did you disappear off to that night?" He asked.