Peace of mind. || Tom Kaulitz

6. | I Love You. |

I look in the mirror and sigh. The bruise from the hit is clearly visible on the cheek. Grabbing a few makeup tools, I try to cover it up, I succeed, but the layer of make up is noticeable, from which I cringe.

I quietly go down the stairs and out the door. When I get to the bus stop, I sit down on the bench and hug my backpack. When I feel my phone vibrate, I pull it out of my back pocket.

Tom: how are you feeling?

I smile.

Me: fine, and how are you?

A few seconds later I get a reply.

Tom: Same. When do your classes end?

I check the schedule quickly and send a reply.

Tom: Okay, I'll come get you.

I don't answer anything, I just smile like an idiot.

/

I slam the locker door, look around. Ryan isn't in school which is pretty weird. Or at least I haven't seen him, which I thank god for.

I throw my backpack over my shoulder and leave the school. I spot Tom's car and I don't even realize I start running to him. I hug the tall guy and we both laugh.

- Thank you for picking me up. - I say smiling.

- Don't thank me, sunshine.

Sunshine.

I try to hide my smile, but I can't.

- Shall we go somewhere? - I ask, letting him go and adjusting my backpack.

Tom just nodded and opened the car door for me.

...

The next day was the same. I was just damn tired because I got home at two in the morning and did my homework until half past four.

I yawn again and carefully rub my eyes. The bell rings and everyone disappears from the room, including me. I furrow my brows when someone grabs my wrist. When I turn around I see that it's Ryan.

- What? - I ask, ripping my wrist from his grip.

- I want to apologize. - he says more quietly.

- You're not forgiven. Bye.- I mutter and start walking away from him.

- Dakota!

I quickly run away from him and blend into the crowd, hoping he won't find me. I make past the hallway and decide to make a run, as there's not that many students here now. But when I start to make a run for it, he grabs my shoulder and turns me around.

-Let me go.-I say it too loudly. Everyone takes notice and looks at us.

- Please, let's go and talk somewhere calmer.- Ry says quietly again.

Finally, I agree with him and follow him to the library, where basically no one visits. I stand by the shelf and cross my arms under my chest. I feel uncomfortable and my brain is screaming at me to leave. But i think about it and hope that maybe Ryan will break up with me after this talk. I really hope he does and I can be happy, single and not abused.

I finally take a good look at Ryan. Dark bruise under the eye, lip split and swollen. You can tell from the way his face flinches that it hurts to walk. Probably from the hits to his ribs. Not saying that he doesn't deserve it but i do feel a bit bad. After a few minutes he speaks up.

- I wanted to apologize, really. I don't know what was wrong with me, it's probably my anger...

-Why do you always blame the crazy behavior on your anger issues? It's not their fault. It's your fault.

-Yes, I'm sorry.-he nodded approvingly.-I shouldn't have behaved like that.

Ryan sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.

- It's just... I really love you... - I don't listen anymore.

Love. Is this love?

I love you. I love you. I love you. I really love you.

The words keep repeating in my head, making me feel dizzy and nauseous. This is not love. No. I know it's not love. He didn't mean to say 'I love you'. He's just attached to me and doesn't want me to leave him. He probably meant to say 'I'm too attached to you'.

This is not love.

When you love someone, you don't abuse them.

This is not love.

When you love someone, you trust them.

This is not love.

When you love a person, you don't make them fear you.

This. Is. Not. Love.

- Dakota?

I return to the present. I look at Ryan and see regretfulness, sadness and hurt in his eyes and i felt some remorse for him. But it immediately disappeared after i remembered what he did to me.

- Oh, yes, sorry, I was thinking. - I mutter and rub my shoulder.

- I really love you. I'm afraid of losing you, you're my home.

But you're not my home, Ryan...

I don't feel warmth, peace and calmness with him. I did feel that once, but not anymore. Not since he did what he did. And not since i met someone else. But at the same time i still have a little love for him. He was my first love and it breaks my heart from how things have changed.

I still love him, even though i don't want to.

- Yes, you are mine too. - I smile, immediately regretting that i said that.

The bell rings for class and i feel relief washing over me. Ry looks at me and sighs. I guess he was deciding on wether we should continue our talk or if he should leave and go to his classes. Since i wanted the conversation to end as fast as possible, I took matter into my own hands.

- You have a class, right? - I ask and he nods. - Go, we'll talk later.

- Is everything okay between us? - he asks.

I nod my head quickly, even though it's not what I'm thinking. I wish he had broken up with me right here and now, i'm not brave enough to do that myself. I'm scared of his reaction and definitely don't want another bruise on my body from him.

-Yep, everything is okay.-I said, lying through my teeth.

I cringe as he touches my cheek with his lip and quickly walks away. I sigh and lean on the bookshelf carefully. I curse under my breath for being weak and not breaking up with him myself. Maybe i would have gotten a few punches or maybe even not. At least i would've been free from him and not suffering from the guilt of having some kind of feelings for Tom. Or that i have been spending time with him more than my own boyfriend.

What's done is done and i hope Ryan gets tired of me quickly and dumps me. I couldn't handle being the one to break his heart, even if he already broke mine with his actions.

•••

Well... this is a mess lmao.
Just wanted to upload while i can, since my boyfriend will be w me till sunday evening and I won't be able to upload:,)

Hope y'all enjoyed this mess and have a great weekend🫶

-Author.❤️