𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝐼𝑛𝑛𝑜𝑐𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝐶ℎ𝑢𝑟𝑐ℎ 𝐵𝑜𝑦 | SanSang

[San]

I smiled watching San as he was giving a dog a bath. His smile was cute and his laugh was addictive, I loved listening to it.

He smiled widely looking at me and waved me over and I nodded walking towards him with a small smile.

"This is buttercup, " he said motioning towards the golden retriever he was bathing and I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Buttercup?" I questioned and he nodded.

"Don't look at me, I didn't name him. Apparently a seven year girl did."

I nodded before looking at the dog. The name was strange but I guess it makes sense, though I wouldn't have named my dog that.

I looked back at San who was now drying the dog with a blow dryer.

"Hey yeo, when I'm done with this, we should have our lunch break, " he said looking at me and I nodded smiling widely.

San was my best friend, we've been friends for five years and he came out as gay only a year ago. My parents weren't very pleased with him and he wasn't allowed to stay the night anymore, I wasn't allowed to interact with him outside of church where my parents could watch us- well him. They were worried that San would only make me well how they put it 'mentally ill' as well. They even held a church meeting excluding San's family about whether they should kick them out of the church or not. But I told them that they should let them stay and kicking them out wouldn't do any good, that we should teach them more about God and his word, in hopes that it could heal San, luckily they agreed because I didn't want to lose my only friend. What my parents don't know is that I actually work with San and see him almost every day, even have my lunch break with him. Another thing they don't know is...that I think I'm falling in love with him.

~

I smiled taking a bite of my salad as I scrolled through my phone.

"Yeo, I gotta tell you about this guy I met the other day. His name is Wooyoung and-"

"San, no offense to you, but I don't really want to hear about your guy crushes," I said putting my phone down and looked at him. He nodded slowly before taking a bite of his sandwich.

It's not because I'm disgusted by it, it's just that it makes me upset when he talks about someone else and makes my stomach hurt. I'm not like my parents, I'm not bothered by his sexuality at all, in fact I'm questioning my own sexuality. I think I'm straight, I mean there's this girl who goes to my church who's really nice and she's really pretty. But every time I look at San, she disappears from my mind and all I want is for San to hold me in his arms- what the hell am I even saying?

"You good over there? You looked pretty deep in thought," San said looking at me and I nodded quickly, clearing my throat.

"Yeah, sorry. "

"Relax, I wasn't yelling at you, just wondering if you are alright, " he said putting his hand on mine and I felt my cheeks heat up as I looked at our hands. "San, you-"

"Shit, sorry I forgot. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, " he said pulling his hand away from mine and I nodded slowly.

He didn't make me uncomfortable, in fact he made me feel the complete opposite. Why can't I just tell him that his sexuality doesn't bother me? Why can't I just tell him how I feel? I love you San! I love you so fucking much! Yet I can't even let you touch me without me making it awkward and you thinking that I'm uncomfortable with you...I really hate myself.

I stood up from my seat as he watched me and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I entered the bathroom I looked in the mirror and sighed. I was uncomfortable, but not because of San, because of myself. My body feels gross and my heart won't stop aching. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be feeling like this. I hate this feeling, I hate not being able to say what's on my mind, I hate not being able to talk to you, I hate it, I hate it all! ...but I don't hate you. You make me feel loved and cherished. You listen and pay attention to me. You always find me first in church or school. You are always there for me. I don't know what I'd do without you, San.

After splashing some water on my face I sighed before opening the door to leave and immediately bumped into someone, resulting in us both falling and me landing on top of them. I quickly opened my eyes and saw San underneath me and my heart started pounding in my chest as he looked at me.

He put his hand on the side of my face and rubbed my cheek softly with his thumb, as his other hand was on my waist and both of my hands were on his chest. My eyes widened as I realized the position that we were in but I couldn't move, I was too scared.

"Yeosangie, are you alright?" He asked looking at me and I nodded slowly, unable to speak.

We continued to look at each other and I felt myself slowly leaning in, I don't know what's happening, but I don't exactly hate it. I looked at his lips before looking back at his eyes and swallowed a lump in my throat. Was I really about to kiss him? Was it finally happening? He's not pushing me away or acting disgusted, he's leaning too. We were so close that I could feel his breath hit my bottom lip. I could taste his minty breath on my tongue. I slowly moved my hands to the sides of his face and moved my body up a bit so I could reach him better, but everything came to a stop when he said my name.

"Yeosang, wait," he said looking at me and I quickly pulled away from him and looked at my hands.

"I- I'm sorry, I- I didn't mean to, I wasn't thinking-"

"Yeo, you aren't in trouble, I'm not mad at you, I just didn't want you to do something that you might regret later."

I nodded bringing my knees to my chest, looking at the floor and felt him rub my back.

So close, yet so far...