FUBU

cuarenta y tres

Austin

"She didn't do it for the sake of just doing it Austin. She had her reasons. Turns out, she had to make a deal with Collin and his wife to save her father. He's been bed ridden for three years and she's the only one who was making him alive. The doctor's influence and money just made her survive through all of it."

People do go to dark places just to survive. 

"At one point, Collin's wife brought her to this playhouse. She said it's the house for swingers and asked her to do the deed with someone else who's not Collin. That was the borderline for her. She left the company, ended her connection with them and left. At the same time, her father died."

"She had to sacrifice him for her freedom?"

"It was more of letting go than sacrificing. Alam niyang hindi na maibabalik sa dati ang tatay niya. Even the doctors recommended for her to stop the life support. It was something that's long overdue."

"No wonder she was too secretive."

"The same goes with you, hindi ba? You had your secrets too. And who would have thought that you will soon become our boss? I guess it's just fair. Except hers was way darker."

"I know. Did she have a funeral?"

"No. She didn't. Or maybe yes. Hindi na nga lang kami kasali. But she said her goodbye in Batangas when we went out. Before that, she drank her heart out while breaking the news to us all of a sudden. None of her friends knew about her father. I think I was the only one she told. But even with that, she didn't really include me in almost anything. She stonewalled everyone for a very long time."

Sometimes, people who are mysterious will always be just that. 

"Well, what are you planning to do anyway? Surely, you asking me about this doesn't just mean that you'll sit in on this information."

"I'm thinking. It's not like I can just confront her about it. I left, thinking she's the reason Joanna died. Or something to that effect. Only to find out she had her own baggage to take care of. I don't think it would be that easy to talk to her about it or to even talk to her."

"Well, if you aren't courageous enough, you should not even try. Just let her be. You can move on at the right time. But do not try and move on with her. She's repaired her damages in her own ways. She didn't even needed a hero to get herself out of a miserable situation. You pursuing her without giving your 100% may just ruin her again."

"Pa'no mo naman nasabi yan?" I could feel my brows arched. 

"I know you are something to her. She may find it difficult to define but she missed you on all of those days. If that didn't mean anything, I don't know what does. Ang alam ko lang, she may not look like it, but she is vulnerable at the moment. She didn't even want to sign the contract you gave her and wanted us to go for it. Because as she said, you wouldn't want her in your company."

Selfless. I didn't realize that was how she is. Perhaps I misjudged her.

The following day, I paid a visit to an old friend.

I wiped some of the dirt that's starting to build up in her headstone. As the fallen trees paved away, it read her name. Joanna.

I've asked someone to transfer her to a more suitable place. This one's more private. More solemn. 

I sat down on the grass that surrounded her, spreading my legs wide. The small prickling feel in my legs were a bit satisfying. 

"How are you?" I was looking up at the sky while speaking. Despite her body on the ground, I acknowledged her presence by looking up. "I've been well. But it seems like my heart is getting unsteady. I don't know how I can tell her how I really felt on those days that I was gone. Because quiet honestly, I loathed her. Sapat na bang dahilan na alam ko na kung ano ang mga pinagdaanan niya to try and win her back? Because I wouldn't want her to be with someone else but me. Sadly, she looks happier now."