I have never begged anyone to stay,
But I said please that day.
We can work this out.
I have never prayed for anything so badly,
but I remember begging the universe that if it could hear me somehow,
all I want is a chance to make it work.
'I can't'...
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I hear the door close, signaling Roman's departure.
Then Gina comes to stand in front of me, her movements slow and hesitant, as if dealing with a delicate animal caught in a snare.
"Are you ok?" She whispers.
Her own eyes are teary as she looks at me, her voice soft and low, her hand rising to touch my folded arms.
I want to say yes..like I usually do when that question is addressed to me. I have a habit of wanting to appear strong in front of people...bad habit.
But I'm not ok.... things are bad now...and I don't know if they will ever be ok.... I just can't shrug this off and get on with it......I can't hide and pretend about it anymore either.... Roman knows.
Maybe now I am more broken than he was initially prepared to deal with. I don't want his pity or guilt to drive his feelings or choices towards me.
Why would he want to give up so much when he can have everything and then some with someone else? Why would anyone?
For the first time in my life.... I have no hope.
I blink and close my eyes, then shake my head. Gina hugs me and we move to the sofa.
And for the first in our friendship, I really break down in front of her.
Gina being who she is, refrains from asking me anything ...she just lets me cry and rubs my shoulder and back.
After some time, we sit up straight and smile at each other, as wipe the tears from my face.
"I'll get you some water." she offers, standing up.
I sit back and sigh heavily. After she returns, I drink half the glass of water she gives and stand up.
"I'm going to go wash my face." I say.
"What do you want me to do? do you need anything? should I call your sister?" She asks and I shake my head.
"You know you can talk to me, right?"
I nod.
"I know, Iet me just wash my face and blow my nose first." I struggle to say with a stuffy nose, and she chuckles.
"Ok...I'll go change into my pajama's and come back...then I can spend the night here with you." she says enthusiastically.
After the change of clothes, she returns with a tub of ice cream, snacks and puts on a movie on her laptop. I'm not really in the mood, but she is trying to cheer me up the best way she knows how, and I really appreciate it.
