Project Athena | Reviews

The Mansion (Nadia)

Author: AdnanAziz741

Reviewer: SardonicBeauty

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

The Mansion is a Mystery-Thriller that revolves around Rika, who moves to a new place in hopes of escaping her troubles.

Right from the beginning, the story sets a dark atmosphere, with various mysteries surrounding the characters and the setting.

The plot is engaging and starts off with a strong and well-paced introduction. The characters are intriguing, harbouring many secrets, and I'm confident that as the story progresses, the revelations will be worth it. The writing style is effective and keeps readers wondering about the secrets the protagonist is hiding. Rika's dreams are a valuable addition to the plot as they reveal her fears and the gravity of her past.

The introduction to the mansion is dramatic and effectively adds to its allure as a "haunted" place. Now, let's move on to some technical aspects that I'd like to address.

The blurb of the story begins nicely, but after "She is accused...", it could benefit from additional details or descriptions to make it more exciting and captivating for readers. There are some faulty tenses, such as "destiny has something" instead of 'had,' if you intend to maintain consistent present tense in the blurb.

To make the beginning more approachable, consider starting with a paragraph like this: "A gust of wind rushes past a girl sitting on a bench, revealing her dark bobbed hair as her bangs brush against her eyes. Rika lowers her gaze, taking in her black dress, perfectly matched with black heels. Suddenly, she stands up, looking around as if expecting something." This example demonstrates how you can play with sentences to create a smoother flow for readers.

Instead of "felt," use "feels like an eternity." When describing Rika getting off the train, you could depict her emotions in more detail. For instance, "As she steps off the train, she senses a lingering presence, something dark clinging to her." This example illustrates how the dream affected her. Rather than stating, "she asks for a lift," consider rephrasing it as "she contemplates asking someone for a lift."

The descriptions of Hisoka and her grandmother could be more vivid and insightful. The conversation between them feels forced and lacks impact. For example, instead of "I have had enough with you," you could write, "The woman's voice cracks, her words dripping with frustration. 'I've had enough of you.'" Adding small details like voice inflections and describing the surroundings during emotional scenes can strengthen the foundation of their relationship. Additionally, including Rika's observations and incorporating those small details can make a significant difference.

When presenting the protagonist's thoughts, use single quotes, as it aids in the flow of the chapter.

Now, let's discuss the plot. It is interesting and progresses at a reasonable pace. To enhance readability, focus on descriptive elements, vary sentence structures and include finer details.

The characters are well-developed, but to establish stronger connections, add more details, keep paragraphs concise, and make dialogues clearer.

This book exhibits great potential and promises to be a captivating read. I would rate it 2 out of 5 stars.

Good luck!