Project Athena | Reviews

Crooked Hearts (Nadia)

Author: MMDCraftyMice

Reviewer: SardonicBeauty

Genre: Action/Adventure

Crooked Hearts is an action/adventure-themed story that revolves around the life of Alice. So far, the story is more action-based than a combination of action and adventure, but it's nothing bad.

The main character (MC) in the beginning seems to be Alice, but as the story progresses, we see the importance of other characters such as Cassandra and Arthur.

The world-building of the story is really interesting and has the power to keep readers hooked. The character of Christian is shown as quite questionable, which serves as a reason for the conflict between Alice and her father. And later, with herself too.

What left me confused was Alice's reaction to the rebellion. In the first chapter, it is widely shown how she aspires to be a warrior, and there are countless trophies of her achievements as well.

The plot is strong, but it needs more emotions and feelings from the characters. For example, when she flees after seeing her father, you can focus more on her inner panic in the scene rather than describing it later. That will add more depth to the scene and make it more personal for the readers.

The bond between Arthur and Alice is nice, and refreshing after all the incidents that have taken place. Arthur's character so far is well thought out and executed in a good manner. Alice's reaction to Arthur as they first meet is a little cliché, but that's just my opinion. Showing Alice a little bit stronger and more level-headed would add more to her character. So far, she seems to have things under control or is trying to get the pieces to work for her, but her character as a whole doesn't seem strong enough. Whether it was intentional or not, I do not know.

Coming to the technical parts of the story:

First, in the story summary, rather than using "she," you can use the character's name for more emphasis. However, this is just a personal opinion.

In one place, there is a line, "I have reached my limits!" to which Alice's father replies, "You had your fill?" This is rather confusing. So, look for better wording or explain the situation in a clearer manner.

Second, punctuation. There are several places where you have started dialogue without quotation marks or written a whole dialogue without them.

In other places, paragraphs are written without any commas or semicolons whatsoever.

These lead to clustering in sentences and reduce reader connectivity, which again makes it harder for readers to understand the scene.

The plot seems to be set in a more classical tone and 16th-century era, and that is really nice. But writing-wise, the words and dialogues could be more descriptive.

"Father, I beg you." This is perfect.

After a few paragraphs, you have written, "But I do require my solitude." The line seems rather bland. To make it more in your style, you can modify it to, "However, solitude is what I require for my well-being," or something similar.

Third, her sudden change in wanting to take revenge after one incident, albeit really affecting, seems far-fetched. To make it more connected to her character, when the fight takes place, make her fight more in Episode 2 before she goes down. Show her zeal for fighting and getting justice.

Fourth, add a little more connection between the dialogues, the character's inner thoughts, and how they respond to the words spoken to them. For example, rather than writing, "Tears fell from her eyes," describe how the words made her heart seize beating. How her ears went warm due to constricting blood flow, etc.

Make the emotional scenes more effective in this way so that, in the later scenes, her fight for justice is more solidified.

Overall, I would rate this story 4 out of 5 stars. It just needs a lot more editing and the addition of finer details. It is already a really good story so far.

Good luck!