Camryn Quinn is finally getting what she wants...sort of. Moving into a dorm and away from her not so supportive father is a good first step, but like everything with him-it comes with strings. She must attend the college of his choosing for at leas...
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My phone begins to vibrate on the table making the coffee in my ceramic mug swirl from the motion. My brother's smug grin flashes across the screen. His contact photo is actually a picture of a picture from when we were younger. It was Christmas when we were ten. I got my first film camera, and Cal insisted that I let him pose for a spread of pictures. But this one was my favorite because it encapsulates him into a single frame with the slightest tinge of his gums and teeth showing through his otherwise close lipped smile so big that his eyes are squinted and the dimple we share peeking out of his left cheek. The best part though, is how the edges are slightly blurred because he couldn't' hold still. That's Cal though, always on the move, never to be occupied for more than a moment or two.
I could ignore it, but I know he will call again. His new thing is to call or text me until I answer, no matter how long it takes. Most of the time it's stupid questions like how to make a grilled cheese or asking for help with homework, even though I know he has his own tutor. I've seen him at the center multiple times with a guy named Elias, making me wonder if I'm the only tutor who has set strict guidelines for the confines of the room. I pop my airpods in, and hit the accept button.
"How's my favorite little sister?!" he belts through the speaker. "Technically I am older than you," I say flatly.
"But you're shorter than me, hence little sister" he says putting extra emphasis on little.
"Did you really call me to point out my height deficit or is there a purpose to this interaction?" I ask.
"No, I called to remind myself why I don't actually enjoy calling you. But since you asked, I did have something to discuss with you."
"I can feel the osteoporosis setting in" I mutter which is immediately followed by a "What the fuck is that?" from Cal's end.
"I'm growing old over here," I say flatly.
"I'm having a 'We Survived the First Week of Classes' party tonight and I want you to come." He says.
"Cal, it's Groundhog's Day. We've been here before, and every single time we both regret me coming... Besides I won't know anyone and my roommate, she uh, wants to bond or something tonight," I lie. I've avoided Alyssa every single day by either taking a shower or pretending to be asleep. I'm going to have to find a new excuse though, my skin has started to peel from overwashing.
"Well you know me and the more the merrier! Bring her along, I need to meet this person who has to deal with you before you've had coffee in the morning and has to smell your farts." Cal attempts to make a joke that I quickly shut down and remind him that he's eighteen not eight.
I'm overcome with a ping of something I haven't felt in a while floating into my chest. An anxiety taking over, making me overthink. As if Cal can feel it too he speaks up, "Listen Ryn, I know you're nervous about how this whole college thing plays out but you're different now, right?"
It's hard to judge the sincerity in his tone over the phone, but the 'right?' at the end makes me question. The doubt creeping in, probing me. Am I different like I say I am? I say I want to be a normal teenager in college, so normal college students go to parties and socialize and try. He's invited me before and it hasn't been great. But was I even trying? I'm an avid practitioner of leaving the past in the past, but what I still don't know how to do is create a present for myself, a present that leads to the future I want. Deep breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, Ryn. A saying my mom would tell me frequently when I would overanalyze things, even as a little girl.
Cal ends our call first, without giving me time to answer, but announces he will see me later on, that he will have a bottle with my name on it. I take a few more sips of the coffee the waitress refilled while I was on the phone and walk to the register to pay. The entire way back to my dorm I blast meditation sounds through my airpods, mentally preparing myself to deal with Alyssa, and see if wants to embark on this new adventure with me.
🏈🏈🏈
The squeal that erupts from Alyssa when I mention the party is so high pitched that I believe dogs in a three mile radius will begin howling any second. The look of pain on my face must register quickly, because she stops abruptly.
"Yes! Of course I want to go to a party tonight! But what should we wear?" she asked, jumping up from her desk chair and practically flying to her closet in one swift movement.
I make note of the way she says we, like we are already friends when I haven't fully identified my opinion of her yet, but push it aside because the faster we get to the party the faster we can come back to the safety of our dorm. I also didn't peg her as the type to be this overjoyed at the provision of a party invitation. From the outside, she resembles someone who has had no lack of like invitations in the past. She resembles a Bratz doll come to life with her petite frame, but full features.
Alyssa hasn't completely unpacked her things yet, but begins digging through her suitcases until she seems to find the article of clothing she was hunting for. She pulls out a black bodysuit that looks like it was actually made for the doll version of her, and not an actual human body. She grabs her makeup bag and trots down the hall to the bathroom.
I take this chance to call Gabi, physically exhaling when she answers on the first ring. My relief quickly turns into a laugh when I see her, mid-bite into a chicken wing. Glad to see her college experience is as riveting as mine was a mere twenty minutes ago.
"What's up C?" she asks.
"Cal called and invited me to a party tonight and told me to bring the girl, god I mean Alyssa, and now I don't know if I should tell her that I don't really drink or how much I need to share with her because I don't really know her but I don't want her to think I am weird or a bitch but also 'I once got blackout drunk and tried to kill myself ' doesn't really scream let's have fun." Gabi stops me and I gasp for air.
"Woahhhhhh okay let me see if I got this, Cal invited you to a party and you're taking Alyssa and think you need to tell her about why you don't really drink but don't want to unpack the whole suitcase tonight because you just met and you don't want to put a damper on the whole night or have her label you as a weirdo just yet?" I nod to let her know she pretty much nailed it aside from the whole weirdo thing, but I'll let it slide this time.
"Well I think it's great that you're going out, and tell her you don't drink if you want, or honestly just fake it. Grab a solo cup and fill it with water, or better yet carry your own bottle of water and tell everyone its vodka if you feel like you need to fit in. But you don't need to prove anything to anyone, Ryn."
"How am I supposed to do this without you," I say it as a plea rather than a simple statement.
"You are strong, C. Now take that baggy T shirt off and wear your jean cut offs. And do something with the curls. The bandana is not cute," She says and hangs up in typical Gabi fashion.
I take her advice, part of it anyways. I trade in the baggy t-shirt for a fitted cropped black tank but put on my favorite pair of high waisted mom jeans instead of the cutoff shorts she suggested, which I think she is forgetting are hers in the first place and never made it to this dorm room.
I'm not ashamed of who I am, but trying to find a balance between parts of yourself can be an uphill battle and all you have is a bicycle. A lot of having to stop and walk the bike next to you, giving plenty of time to wonder if the choices you've made were helping you make it up the hill, or pulling you back down.
Alyssa walks back into the room and rakes her eyes up and down my body as she says, "Who knew you had a body?''
