Camryn Quinn is finally getting what she wants...sort of. Moving into a dorm and away from her not so supportive father is a good first step, but like everything with him-it comes with strings. She must attend the college of his choosing for at leas...
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When we get back to Columbus, I keep my distance from everyone except Alyssa. It's proving to be every bit as hard as I expected. Everywhere I go, all of my usual spots, are nothing but constant reminders of Taylor. Each one seems to have a hold on me that forces me to relive the memories we created in them. I swear even the fall breeze whispers his name as it whips through my hair.
I have somehow made it three whole weeks without completely suffocating. It's now Thanksgiving break, but I won't be going home to spend it with my family. Even though my dad had called and attempted to convince me to come. I can't, though. Aside from my father's lack of apology, the football team's biggest rivalry game always falls on the Saturday after the holiday. The coaches and players never get a break because of it. Which means my family's Thanksgiving dinner is always spent with at least a dozen orphan-for-the-day players. One of which would be Taylor this year considering his mom in no shape to fly here to spend the break with him.
Instead, Alyssa and I have come to the Brown's. Gabi made her parents vow to not invite my dad or Katie to join us after the team dinner, which I'm thankful for. The day flies by in a blur with Gabi and Alyssa under one roof. Between the two of them, we were never without topics of conversation. A single second is filled with some sort of discussion on the latest fashion trend or celebrity couple. I haven't even tried to fight the smile on my lips as I watch my now two closest friends bonding. It just makes sense, though. My two separate pods have merged into one. We end the night by drinking pumpkin pie martinis and helping Gabi's mom put up their Christmas tree. It's a long time Brown family tradition. The picture I take to add to the timeline is of Alyssa on Gabi's shoulders as she attempts to reach one tiny arm up to put the angel on the top of the tree. Her other hand gracefully held her martini glass, never spilling a drop. The caption underneath reads, three is better than two.
🏈🏈🏈
If I thought November was a particularly cold month for my emotions, December is a full on tundra. I started the month by begging my supervisor to remove Taylor from my roster by claiming irreconcilable differences, ones that could not be put aside to study for finals. Even if he didn't believe me, he obliged, but only after I agreed to take on two students in his place for the last two weeks of the semester. It was a welcomed distraction though, I officially had no time to think in any processes that weren't of biological or statistical origins.
Taylor has given me my space, but neither of us could avoid the other at our last few biology lectures of the semester. He was seated as far as humanly possible, but I could tell he was straining to keep his eyes on the professor. His jaw muscles were working so hard I could see them across the hall. He didn't look at me, though. I would know because I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He didn't try to talk to me after, or even as we were seated in the same section for our final. I've never resented two letters more than I do Q and R for being so alphabetically close together. I haven't seen him since then, and it's been even longer since I've heard his voice. It's not until finals are long gone, and I'm safely tucked into the guest bedroom at Gabi's house that my phone vibrates with a message from him.
A picture of Taylor and Shea fills the screen of my phone. They are wearing what looks like matching holiday sweaters and have their cheeks squished together. Taylor's arm extends out of frame as he captures the picture. Like always, their smiles start on their lips, but extend all the way through their eyes.
I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I let myself study the picture, even pinching the screen and zooming in. I drag the picture all over my screen to take in every angle of his face. He looks happy. And that's what I want for him, for both of them. This could be their last Christmas together, I want them to savor every last second. My fingers hover over the keys, itching to ask for more information. In just one message I could ask it all–where Nora is, what movie they're watching and if it's Taylor's favorite, "Home Alone". With the press of one button I could call him. He could hit play at the exact same time that I do. It would be like we're together, even when we can't be. Even when I still don't know if we ever can be.
I do none of those things, though. I leave the message open, but unanswered. Reaching out now would be digging myself into the deepest darkest depths of my mind. I would be stuck in the what ifs and buts of my emotions. Once upon a time, that's exactly what I would have done. I would reach pseudo satisfaction from allowing myself to wallow in pain and misery just because I felt like it was my only choice. This time however, I know that I do have choices. And right now I'm going to walk downstairs to the kitchen and ask Gabi and her mom how I can help with the dinner they are making. I can reach an authentic satisfaction by spending time with a family of my own making.
