Camryn Quinn is finally getting what she wants...sort of. Moving into a dorm and away from her not so supportive father is a good first step, but like everything with him-it comes with strings. She must attend the college of his choosing for at leas...
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I finally let Camryn go even though every instinct told me not to. The pit in my stomach only grows as I retreat back into the room. I blame it on the pre game nerves starting. The same way they have so many times before.
I take my place in the bed between my mom and sister. They reposition themselves to cuddle up next to me with their heads resting on my chest. My arms are wrapped tight around them, their anchor holding them in place. I try to let myself relax to just be present with them and try to push Camryn from my mind. But it's a task my body continues to fight me on, choosing instead to replay her face over and over again in my mind. The way she looked tonight, the smile on her lips as she watched me with my family. No matter the effort, I can't ignore her or the fact that she knew this is exactly what I needed.
My mom already has the movie queued on the screen. Nora is snoring before the opening scene is over, so I gently roll her off of me and onto her own side of the King sized bed. My mom however, is wide awake and clinging to me. Her grip on me tightens, as if the feeling is hitting her in waves, aftershocks the same way it is me.
"She makes you happy," my mom whispers.
Any progress I had made in the last minute flies out the window. I don't answer, I can't speak. Aside from Camryn, my mom is the other person who can't know what I've done. She can't know the fucking mess I've gotten myself into. It's all for you, I could argue. The truth and an apology all wrapped up in one big bow resting on top of the gift of time that I'm trying to give her.
My mess is the whole reason she is here right now. Without my deal with Cal I wouldn't have Camryn in my life. My mom could understand, or at the very least could help me understand it. Telling her could give me the practice I need before telling Camryn the truth. My mom might even tell me I'm not a complete fucking idiot. Camryn loves my mom so she would quickly recover. She, better than anyone, could appreciate what I'm doing. She would forgive me and let me keep my place in her world.
"You love her." Her words escape at a volume so low, I'm not sure if she actually said them or if my mind is playing tricks on me. Either way it doesn't matter. I don't love Camryn. But before I can argue my mom continues.
"Promise me you'll tell her Tay. Sooner rather than later. She needs to hear it, and I think you do too," she says. Neither of us moves. Our eyes continue to watch the scene unfolding on the screen. I can see the colors in the picture moving and changing, but I can't say what's happening. All I can see is Camryn's face. I can't love her. You can't love someone that shouldn't even be in your life. You can't love someone who doesn't know everything about you. There are no secrets from the people you love and you sure as hell don't take money to love them. It's not love when you know that if they knew the truth, they could never love you back.
