Wide Open

s i x t y f i v e

I walk up my street skipping from song to song as I do. I've spent all day trying to occupy my mind until I can see Camryn again. Walking away from her this morning felt like waking from a dream that is so perfect you'll never be able to find it again, no matter how hard you close your eyes, no matter how hard you think about it. It's like I need her right next to me to prove that it was real, that everything that happened yesterday was a reality.

I can only hope that my words were enough to keep her faith in me. She hasn't reached out to me at all since I left her dorm this morning. I thought for sure I would have at least one text from her when I left practice, but it's a day off from classes. She's probably spending her time in bed with Bravo open in one tab and school work open in another.

Every time I've thought of her today I can't help but smile. I got shit from the guys at practice, but claimed it was from hitting all of my routes and having no dropped passes. If only they knew the real reason though. I've spent months getting to know every aspect that makes Camryn, Camryn. Last night was like a victory after a hard fought battle. Finally being that close to her was the final piece to the puzzle to help me understand her completely.

I reach the concrete path that leads to the stairs of my porch. I only look up when I reach the door and begin to type the code into the pad. I pull one headphone off my ear and let it rest on the side of my head. A sound coming from the side of the porch catches my attention. I turn around to investigate and that's when I see her. It's as if my thoughts on the walk home summoned her to me. Her back is leaned against the concrete pillar. My eyebrows pull in when I see her red and swollen face. The collar of her t-shirt is tear soaked, and the tears continue to fall. I drop my bag by the door and rush to her. She raises her hands and begins a slow clap in my direction.
"You really deserve an Oscar for your performance," she mutters from her spot on the railing.

"Camryn, what are you talking about?" I ask. My heart is thundering against my chest so loud I almost can't hear her over the thud in my ears.

"Being paid to spend time with me? Really Taylor? You let the two people who hold so much over me already just add to the wager? I fucking trusted you! I let you in! And what a fucking idiot I was—"

"Camryn it wasn't like that! I mean at first it was, but I don't care about the money... I already told your brother that!" I plead. I need to think about how to present this, to make her understand in a way that won't break her further.

"When?" she asks, too calmly.

"When what?"

"When did you tell him? When we started meeting at the diner every other day outside of our sessions? When we were playing twenty questions and sharing the most vulnerable parts of ourselves? Or was it when you agreed to help me prove to my father that I've changed? When we started to flirt and touch and—God was it all part of the plan? Did you get a bonus from him every time you coaxed me into going out? Every time you made me think you liked me? I let you touch me, Taylor!" Her voice is a knife cutting into every inch of my chest.

"I needed the money Camryn. If you just please— please let me explain." I attempt to touch her again but she pulls away. She looks at me with disgust. "I did stop taking it, I promise! That's why it took me so long to come to you last night. I knew I couldn't really be with you until I was done, until I told him I was out." My voice begins to break the more I speak so I stop. I attempt to breathe to try to remain calm.

"Well congratulations, at least you didn't get paid to have sex with me. At least I know I'm not a fucking prostitute! But that doesn't matter Taylor, because I was with you that entire time. Whether you thought so or not, me spending all my time with you and sharing every little piece of myself— the pieces that fucking burn to bring up, all the shit about my mom and your mom—that was me being with you. That was me giving you my fucking heart. And you did the one thing I never expected from you. You took the cracks that were already there—the ones that I thought were healing—and you used them as leverage to rip my fucking heart in half!"

"Camryn, please," I plead. I'm on my knees in front of her. I want to reach for her. I'm shaking trying to fight the tears in my eyes. Camryn's eyes flicker over mine like crazy, no doubt searching for the answers she needs. I can only hope my eyes are speaking to her since my words aren't getting me anywhere.

"You're not who I thought you were," she spits, looking down on me.

I make one final attempt and place my hand on her cheek, but she quickly pulls away and swats at my hand. She doesn't even hesitate before sliding off the porch railing and pushing past me. She's down the stairs and walking down the street without even a glance in my direction.