Wide Open

e i g h t e e n

As we exit the restaurant the girls walking one way, probably towards the bus stop, and Cal and I to the valet stand to retrieve his car. Cal hands the worker his ticket, stepping over towards me to wait. I watch Camryn and Alyssa walk away from us, wondering why we aren't giving them a ride back to campus since we're all going to the same fucking place, but the obviously strained relationship that sibling duo has it none of my business. Instead, I push my hands further into the pockets of pants and begin to whistle, to fill the silence.

"Stop eye fucking my sister." Cal says, shoving his shoulder into mine. I quickly snap my eyes away from their direction, now aware that I was still watching them like a fucking werido.

"I wasn't!" I yell back with a chuckle.

"I saw the looks you two were giving each other. What the fuck was that?" Cal asks.

I snort again and bite my lip to hide my smile, thinking back to the pissy looks Camryn started giving me towards the end of dinner. I didn't think anyone noticed the looks as we silently challenged one another through repeated movements.

I swear she actually stopped breathing when I whispered in her ear by the bathroom. Girls like her are so easy to fuck with. So skittish, like my great aunt's cat who runs and hides under the couch anytime she has company, they just can't handle having other eyes on them.

"To be fair nine, you were eye fucking her roommate." I retort.

"That's a little different, dick."

"Well I was just giving you a chance with her, man." I say, shrugging.

"We all know that if it were an eye fucking competition, Allison would choose me." Cal protests. I shake my head at how stupid he is.

"Why don't you go ask Alyssa and we will find out?" I say back. I may not care much for details when it comes to girls, but I can at least try to remember their names.

Cal's face is still twisted with anger, and I can't tell if it's still about his sister. I'm about to let him know he has nothing to worry about, but Coach finally emerges from the restaurant, and pulls Cal off to the side for a conversation that doesn't include me. His arms are outstretched and resting on Cal's shoulder's. Every few seconds he alternates between pointing a middle finger at Cal's chest and then back towards the restaurant, the conversation obviously about something from dinner.

I pull my phone out to kill time, the valet must be rebuilding the car before they can drive it to us, we've been waiting here so long. As soon as I unlock it, I have a message followed by a picture in our family group chat. It's only me, my mom, and my sister though because my grandparents are the only two people above the age of sixty that refuse to get iphones.

Mama: Nana made your favorites tonight since I won't feel like eating after tomorrow.

Below the message is a picture of my family at the dinner table, my mom's arm outstretched to make sure she got everyone on the small screen. I can't see it all, but if it's my favorites I can only assume the table is filled with fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans. But that's not what I focus on. Instead I look at their faces, memorizing my moms. The fullness to it, the color that fills her cheeks. The smile on her face that spreads to the others in the room.

I should be there with them. I should be the one helping my mom get ready for her treatments tomorrow, I should be the one taking her. I know deep down though, that even if I was there, she wouldn't let me. She's always wanted to handle it on her own, keeping me and Nora at arms length, out of everything as much as possible. She shut me out the last time, but I was still a kid. It made sense then, for her to keep so much from us. But now, I'm an adult and claim to be the one who's supposed to be the one taking care of them, but yet, here I am. Twelve hundred miles away and still not helping.